Wednesday, October 27, 2010


Sometimes (aka all the time) I wish I had died at twenty-one.  That way I wouldn't have to grow old and learn about the Internet.  If I didn't learn about the Internet then I would not have learned about Youtube.  With my brain well eaten away by worms and my face caved into itself I would not have the ability to contain information in my lobes of the knowledge of FRED.  FRED has given me my first clue that I am getting on in years.  I now know why the old hate the young.  Its not because the old are jealous of the young.  Its because the youth of today are stupid.

FRED's YouTube videos are the most epic failed thing that has ever existed in the history of the universe.  FRED screams in your face, jumps around, runs around, screams some more, cries, whines, screams random things, sings stupid songs, screams and then screams more.  It adds up to nothing.  Its the most unfunniest thing I have ever seen and I have seen every episode of FULL HOUSE.  I have never seen anyone completely miss the point of what comedy is or how to make people laugh.  There are no laughs to be found in his bouncing crazy off the wall personality driven videos.  His voice is annoyingly high so I guess that is suppose to be funny.  He says a lot of stupid random stuff in your face so I guess that is suppose to be funny too.  Each video has a theme or title like FRED GOES TO THE DENTIST, FRED GOES SWIMMING, FRED RUNS FOR PRESIDENT.  You can imagine what each video is about.  I keep looking but I haven't found one that says FRED GOES TO THE MORGUE.  Hopefully that one is just a news clip of FRED's sudden demise. Ah, an old man can dream, can't he?

FRED isn't the only one.  Let us not forget about JIMMY (who claims be the first before FRED), JOSH and WILL WORTMAN.  Man, if you want to see sad I suggest watching WILL WORTMAN.  That guy puts out videos begging to have more friends on YouTube.  In fact he has a video talking about giving up his character because he is getting picked on at school.  That's kind of funny but not in the way he wants it to be.  JIMMY is more vulgar and will be some kind of rapist when he gets older.  But don't worry.  JIMMY is lame enough to become just as popular if not more so.  People nowadays admire and want to become the stupid.  They will watch shows glorifying idiots.  Have you ever heard of JERSEY SHORE or GLEE?  JOSH parodies FRED exactly claiming to be a fan of FRED's but I get the impression he wants to be bigger than FRED using a character that he didn't create.  Also I swear JOSH was in "black face" in one video so I am just going to accuse him of being a racist.  The point is that they are all the same.  They are kids with a video camera.  They point the camera at their face, make "funny" expressions, talk weird and try to be as random as hell.  They are not unique.  There are several others doing the same dang thing constantly trying to out due each other in the field of extreme absurdity.

The kids love these guys.  Look at all the positive feed back on their YouTube pages.  With the exception of WILL (sorry man, please use this exclusion as an excuse to kill yourself) these YouTube  "sensations" are considered the finest comedians the new generation of youth has to offer.  They have success.  FRED was on the Disney show ICarly and now has his own movie.  Can you guess the title of it? FRED!  He also has over a million subscribers on his YouTube channel which makes him the first to accomplish such a goal.  At one time he had the most subscribers too.  JIMMY has a lot of fans too but no movie.  I do believe I saw him on Reelz Channel on the show Movie Mob where Internet people give their reviews of movies and if the audience likes them they vote them to stay.  I didn't bother researching JOSH because I couldn't stand anymore of this crap and I am sure WILL WORTMAN is dead in a ditch somewhere.

What is my reaction to FRED?  Well, I get a sad look on my face.  Depression sets in and I start thinking about the path I chose in this life.  I contemplate the decisions I made that led me to this point where I gained the horrible knowledge of FRED.  Maybe I should have gone to college and become a scientist.  Or maybe I should have just used my computer for its two primary functions. Porn and taxes.  All I am saying is that I have the exact opposite reaction to what this kind of "humor" is suppose to produce.  I am like old people in the late 1960's that grew up watching Abbot & Costello or Mickey Rooney and they see a SCOOBY-DOO cartoon for the first time.  Seeing a crime solving dog in a mystery van that can almost talk and had a slacker hippie for a best friend was probably a big time culture shock to the elderly.  It probably caused them spit out their dentures in a vain attempt to say the "F" word for the first time in their eighty year life span.  We really need to put a stop to these guys. I want to keep my dentures squarely in my mouth, thank you.

I don't know.  Maybe you think I am making a big deal about this.  After all I am a loser with nothing better to do than bitch on the Internet about people I have never even met before.  FRED mania couldn't possibly take over the popular culture.  That is impossible.  But later on tonight after you have brushed your teeth with your FRED tooth brush, and put on your FRED pajamas look at yourself in the mirror.  When the shame sets in then you will know I was right.


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