Sunday, March 31, 2013

TOTAL RECALL: Not a movie but an expensive looking platform jumper.

The new TOTAL RECALL isn't the worst remake in the world.  It has some truly great special effects.  Just look at the robot stormtroopers that are no doubt C.G.I. but look incredibly real like the T-Rex from JURASSIC PARK.  Whats-her-face from the UNDERWORLD movies is an excellent bad guy.  Nothing stops her from getting the job done.  It is total badass to see her intensity as she tries to capture/kill Quaid.  Colin Farrell isn't bad in the film.  He is there doing stuff, I suppose.  The problem is that no matter what TOTAL RECALL sparkles and dangles in front of the viewer's eyes it can't help but make you feel like this whole movie is completely unnecessary.  This movie has already been made and it was called TOTAL RECALL and it was done better.

So the first thing the new TOTAL RECALL does wrong is completely throw out the mystery as to whether Colin's character, Quaid  was an agent working for the resistance or just some normal guy living the implanted fantasy from the company Rekall that puts exciting vacations into your mind.  They flat out show you that Quaid is captured while trying to escape with Jessica Beil in the opening scene!  Remember in the original TOTAL RECALL where Arnold is on the mountain on Mars with the pretty lady and he falls and his space suit helmet breaks and his face gets all contorted and gross?  Those were good times.  He wakes up realizing he just had a nightmare.  When you immediately see that his wife is not the same woman in the dream you become suspicious as to maybe there was some truth to that nightmare.  This opening scene lays the foundation for the later scene when that small guy from Recall (I think that is how it was spelled in the original movie) shows up and tells Schwartzen-Quaid that it was all just an implanted dream.  For a moment not only does Schwartzen-Quaid start to believe it but you as the audience member does too.  But then Schwartzen-Quaid sees the sweat going down the small guys face and its Good-Bye to that guy!  The new TOTAL RECALL begrudgingly takes time away from the "amazing" PG-13 jumping action to have the same scene.  This time however the moment is nowhere near as badass or intense as the original.  That is because we already know that Quaid is a resistance fighter or agent or whatever he is from the first freaking scene of the movie.  Way to go, Len Weisman.  We don't need a big exciting slick chase scene to get the audience entertained.  We need the audience invested into the story based on the mystery as to who Quaid is and how he is involved in the events around him.

The big problem I have with the new TOTAL RECALL is that there is no story.  There is no character development.  There is no small, bulgy eyed mutant thingy growing out of some guy's stomach disturbing you by the way it's mouth moves when it says "Quaid....Quaid...Quaid..." over and over again giving you nightmares and weird stomach feelings for months.  Instead the story and memorable visuals are replaced with long segments of Quaid jumping from platform to platform like the game MARIO 64.  I can't believe how much of a video game this whole movie is.  There are wide shots showing the buildings as floating platforms for Quaid to jump on to get away from the bad guys.  Too many scenes strongly resemble video game levels.  He has to jump from this thing to that thing.  He has to jump from the top of one car to another.  He has to jump from one elevator to another.  The whole movie is nothing but jumping.  It is suppose to be exciting but it quickly becomes monotonous and an eyesore.  The kids will like it though.

Why is there a three boobed woman in this movie?  Do they explain that at all?  I know the movie makers put that in there because it was in the original but at least in the original it was explained.  Now in the new one it makes no sense.  It is just there for immature reasons.  I also think it is kind of lame that there is no Mars only other side of the world.  It feels weak and unimpressive.  Going to Mars is far more exciting and imaginative than staying here on boring old Earth.  Shouldn't remakes be grander in there concepts?

Is it really a clever idea to have a cell phone that is surgically implanted in your hand?  Think about it.  Instead of accidentally "butt dialing" your mom you accidentally "wank dial" your mom.  Whoops.

The new TOTAL RECALL is weak sauce.  The action is bland.  The characters are forgettable.  There is a couple of scenes that might count for story but they are few and far between long chase scenes of people jumping from platform to platform.  But hey, it all looks sleek and stylish with lens flares galore so that makes it a great movie, right?  No more lens flares in your movies please.  That goes for you too, Michael Bay, J.J. Abrams, and that guy that directed TAKEN 2.  Stop it!


Sunday, March 24, 2013

CHECK OUT RagNBone Productions!!!

Here at Umustbebored I am using my blog-thingy to not only give my two cents about movies but to also help spread the word about Indie film makers and their productions.  I encourage you to not only watch indie movies but to get involved in making them happen.   Here is another great opportunity to help some very ambitious film makers get their movie seen.

RagNBones Productions has finished their film THE HOUSE ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE TRACKS or THOTWSOTT for short.  On the production company's website they have a trailer for the movie along with some production photos and a rather creative music video that ties into the movie.  Obviously the title implies some kind of inspiration from Wes Craven's LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT but after watching the trailer I think the film is more in line with Don Dohler's BLOOD MASSACRE which is a film I really need to see.  I am a big Dohler fan.  With that said it makes me think that the RagNBones people are trying to make something a little more different with their characters than the normal kids get caught by crazies movies.  It looks like a crooks vs. crazies movie and I like those.  They're are not too many of those.

Go to the RagNBones website (link below) and check out the crew bios and their upcoming projects.  We should be seeing some great stuff from these guys.  You can help.  How?  Well for starters they have an Indieagogo campaign going on.  (link below too)  Donate to help them produce DVDs and spread the word on your site or facebook.  If you live near these guys ask if they need any help.  See what happens.  Making movies is the coolest.  Click on the links below to check them out.




Tuesday, March 19, 2013


Looks like the LORD OF TEARS KICKSTARTER is a success.  That doesn't mean you can't still contribute.  There are still a few days to go and the only way you can order a copy of the movie is by donating to the campaign.  It may be another year before there is an official distribution for the film on DVD so get to it!  The hype is growing and it looks like director Lawrie Brewster is having some fun with his Owlman character.  There is a YouTube video of Owlman freakin kids out on video chat which is really funny and something to be seen.  I can't wait to see Owlman in movie form.  There are also some pictures they have of Owlman in an abandoned hospital that help create an eerie mood to prepare you for what you are going to see in LORD OF TEARS.  The film will also be shown at the San Diego Comic Fest in October.  Exciting stuff!  Be a part of it!




Monday, March 18, 2013


 I just wanted to let everyone know that the trailer for THE HUMAN RACE has arrived.  Watch it and spread the word.  Director Paul Hough has made a highly imaginative and entertaining film that needs to be seen by all who love fantasy/horror/sci-fi/badass movies.



Monday, March 11, 2013


The director of SKEW has a Kickstarter campaign for his next film PEELERS. I think it is going to be one of those "Strippers vs. (Insert Monsters here)" kind of movies that are so popular on THE NETFLIX right now but with more attention paid to strong characters and story.  I sure hope so.  I really liked SKEW and was hoping we would get more from the director, Seve Schlenze.  Judging from the video on Kickstarter Seve and writer Lisa Devita are going to have fun with this one.  We need a good Stripper Vs. Monsters movie.  To this day none exist.    

Click on the link below and spread the word about PEELERS Kickstarter.  At least watch the video for entertainment purposes.


Notice the random but impressive action figure collection in the background with the Hulk prominently displayed in the middle.  Why do they have action figures in the background?  Were they playing with them and then just decided to make a Kickstarter promo video?  My favorite is the alien from ALIENS.  Nice.  Seve and Lisa are going to give us a creative and horror movie crowd pleasing film that hopefully will not rely solely on the three 'B's', BLOOD BEASTS and BOOBS.  PEELERS is going to be a remarkable film and here is your chance to be a part of it.


Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Get involved with and help support independent horror!

Nowadays technology is to the point where just about anybody can get a camera, get some friends together and make a scary movie.  That is a good thing and a bad thing.  The good thing is that there are a lot of talented people now given the ability to demonstrate their talent to some degree.  That opportunity wasn't available a decade ago.  The bad obviously is that there are a lot of really bad movies out there as well.  The Internet has allowed filmmakers and fans to connect with each other developing even more opportunities to raise money through sites like KIckstarter and Indieagogo or simply spread the word about upcoming projects faster than ever before.  This is a great time for movie geeks especially those who want to take their love for film one step further by getting involved in the filmmaking process and make a difference. 

For about a year I have donated to a couple of horror movies on Kickstarter and offered my services to local filmmakers in my area.  I reviewed a couple of independent horror films at the behest of the directors and used my blog to spread the word about other projects that I feel are important.  It is an absolute thrill to help out whenever I can.  The results have been amazing.  I have made a lot of new friends and had some doors opened to me that weren't there before.  How wide those doors are open only time will tell.  The experiences have been phenomenal.  (See picture above) I can say that there are a lot of creative directors out there trying to do great things in the horror genre that are highly appreciative  of any help they can get.  They will understand the sacrifices you make (hopefully) to the their cause.  You never know what will happen.

If you are sitting around not doing anything I suggest finding out if there are any projects going on in your area and offer a helping hand.  Most likely there are.  Sure you won't get paid but being on a horror movie set is fun and you will never forget your time doing it even if the movie is a complete embarrassment.  Support Kickstarter campaigns and help promote truly great horror films that are works of art and not just another homage to THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE or PARANORMAL ACTIVITY.  Lets get the good stuff that we want to see get made.  We can change the landscape of the horror genre you just have to do something about it.


Friday, March 1, 2013


Lawrie Brewster the director of LORD OF TEARS has contacted me and asked to help spread the word on his film and it's Kickstarter page.  What is really interesting is that the film is done and they are looking to raise funds to promote the film.  I am a big movie geek and it is a complete thrill to help out film makers get their films made or promoted.  It looks like you can order the film by pledging to the Kickstarter campaign.  LORD OF TEARS looks incredible.  It looks beautiful and dark with a haunting atmosphere complete with what I think will be a visually iconic villain, the Owlman.  I want to know more about this Owlman.  The movie trailer reminded me of the Hammer films from the sixties which are my favorite kind of horror films.  I do recommend watching the trailer and while you are on the Kickstarter page be sure to watch the video of the director explaining what LORD OF TEARS is about and the talent that went into making the film.  Notice that the director talks about how the movie focuses on character, story and atmosphere.  How refreshing.  Nowadays it is about gimmicks, jump scares and gore.  Oh, and let us not forget about the endless bombardment of remakes.

It is important to support independent horror.  There are a lot creative minds out there that offer new and bold ideas that maybe overlooked by big cowardly studios that view movies as nothing more than something to make a buck.  Film is art and we need to support film makers that are artists and not just makers of long commercials.  I believe that Lawrie Brewster is such an artist.  He has created a horror film that is about imagination and fantasy.  I am going to help get this film out there.  If you are a fan of horror why not do the same?  Click on the link below and give a little.  I did.  Helping makes you feel all warm and fuzzy in your inside parts.  Its neat.  I just hope I don't ever see the Owlman in my dreams.