TOTAL RECALL: Not a movie but an expensive looking platform jumper.

The new TOTAL RECALL isn't the worst remake in the world.  It has some truly great special effects.  Just look at the robot stormtroopers that are no doubt C.G.I. but look incredibly real like the T-Rex from JURASSIC PARK.  Whats-her-face from the UNDERWORLD movies is an excellent bad guy.  Nothing stops her from getting the job done.  It is total badass to see her intensity as she tries to capture/kill Quaid.  Colin Farrell isn't bad in the film.  He is there doing stuff, I suppose.  The problem is that no matter what TOTAL RECALL sparkles and dangles in front of the viewer's eyes it can't help but make you feel like this whole movie is completely unnecessary.  This movie has already been made and it was called TOTAL RECALL and it was done better.

So the first thing the new TOTAL RECALL does wrong is completely throw out the mystery as to whether Colin's character, Quaid  was an agent working for the resistance or just some normal guy living the implanted fantasy from the company Rekall that puts exciting vacations into your mind.  They flat out show you that Quaid is captured while trying to escape with Jessica Beil in the opening scene!  Remember in the original TOTAL RECALL where Arnold is on the mountain on Mars with the pretty lady and he falls and his space suit helmet breaks and his face gets all contorted and gross?  Those were good times.  He wakes up realizing he just had a nightmare.  When you immediately see that his wife is not the same woman in the dream you become suspicious as to maybe there was some truth to that nightmare.  This opening scene lays the foundation for the later scene when that small guy from Recall (I think that is how it was spelled in the original movie) shows up and tells Schwartzen-Quaid that it was all just an implanted dream.  For a moment not only does Schwartzen-Quaid start to believe it but you as the audience member does too.  But then Schwartzen-Quaid sees the sweat going down the small guys face and its Good-Bye to that guy!  The new TOTAL RECALL begrudgingly takes time away from the "amazing" PG-13 jumping action to have the same scene.  This time however the moment is nowhere near as badass or intense as the original.  That is because we already know that Quaid is a resistance fighter or agent or whatever he is from the first freaking scene of the movie.  Way to go, Len Weisman.  We don't need a big exciting slick chase scene to get the audience entertained.  We need the audience invested into the story based on the mystery as to who Quaid is and how he is involved in the events around him.

The big problem I have with the new TOTAL RECALL is that there is no story.  There is no character development.  There is no small, bulgy eyed mutant thingy growing out of some guy's stomach disturbing you by the way it's mouth moves when it says "Quaid....Quaid...Quaid..." over and over again giving you nightmares and weird stomach feelings for months.  Instead the story and memorable visuals are replaced with long segments of Quaid jumping from platform to platform like the game MARIO 64.  I can't believe how much of a video game this whole movie is.  There are wide shots showing the buildings as floating platforms for Quaid to jump on to get away from the bad guys.  Too many scenes strongly resemble video game levels.  He has to jump from this thing to that thing.  He has to jump from the top of one car to another.  He has to jump from one elevator to another.  The whole movie is nothing but jumping.  It is suppose to be exciting but it quickly becomes monotonous and an eyesore.  The kids will like it though.

Why is there a three boobed woman in this movie?  Do they explain that at all?  I know the movie makers put that in there because it was in the original but at least in the original it was explained.  Now in the new one it makes no sense.  It is just there for immature reasons.  I also think it is kind of lame that there is no Mars only other side of the world.  It feels weak and unimpressive.  Going to Mars is far more exciting and imaginative than staying here on boring old Earth.  Shouldn't remakes be grander in there concepts?

Is it really a clever idea to have a cell phone that is surgically implanted in your hand?  Think about it.  Instead of accidentally "butt dialing" your mom you accidentally "wank dial" your mom.  Whoops.

The new TOTAL RECALL is weak sauce.  The action is bland.  The characters are forgettable.  There is a couple of scenes that might count for story but they are few and far between long chase scenes of people jumping from platform to platform.  But hey, it all looks sleek and stylish with lens flares galore so that makes it a great movie, right?  No more lens flares in your movies please.  That goes for you too, Michael Bay, J.J. Abrams, and that guy that directed TAKEN 2.  Stop it!


Jason