Monday, August 30, 2010


TRAINS GONE WILD....I mean UNSTOPPABLE won't be out until November but I feel compelled to write a full review before it comes out.  No, I haven't seen this movie yet. But come on!  Look at the trailer!  Its about a train that can't stop.  That's it.  There are guys with machine guns trying to gun down a train.  It's not alive!  This, ladies and gentlemen, is the dumbest movie ever made.  You may call it being judgemental but I call it..........being judgemental I guess.

So Denzel Washington and the alternate universe Capt. Kirk are guys who drive trains.  Not very exciting.  But these guys drive these suckers like they are going to war.  "This isn't training. In training you fail you get an F.  Here you fail you die."  That is pretty serious.  Honestly I think Denzel was watching Deadliest Catch the night before and now he thinks his job is as hazardous as crabbing.  You are on a train.  It goes forward.  That's it.

How do you make a train movie interesting?  Well you take a bad train and load it up with all kinds of crazy dangerous crap.  This train carries dangerous toxic chemicals that can wipe out all life for thousands of miles.  But I am sure it also carries nukes, biological weapons, and a copy of Eat, Pray and Love just to make things interesting.  Make the train go really fast and cause a situation to where nobody in the world can stop it.  I bet the conductor has a heart attack and falls on a switch that causes the train to go wild.  What?  Still not interested?  Okay, then have another train and put it on the same rails and send it towards the oncoming crazy train.  This is the nice train.  The nice train has school kids going on a field trip and probably nuns, Toys for Tots and the guy who invented the Care Bears.  So we got to save that train too.  Since when do kids take a train to a field trip?  Kids take a bus.  But they already made a bus going fast movie, didn't they.

Here's a question?  Why not radio the nice train's conductor and tell him to stop the train and get everyone off and then back up and go the opposite direction?  But we can't have that.  Only Denzel and Capt. Kirk can stop it.  That's what we want to see.  Not me.  I want to see the stupid situations that require people to get stuck on the rails.  Oh, no my car has stalled on the tracks.  Uh-Oh, here comes a train!  SMASH!  I've fallen and I can't get up from these rails. Uh-Oh , here comes a train!  SQUISH!  There is a spider on one side of the tracks, a mime on the other and me in the middle. What do I do?  Uh-Oh, here comes a train!  STUPID!

Helicopters make an appearance to up the spectacle.  Obviously they try to drop a train conductor on the train which makes sense.  Something will go wrong and it won't work so instead of trying it again they just don't.  That makes sense. Right?  The best idea in my opinion is the "Charlton Heston Solution".  "There is an out of control train with all kinds of dangerous stuff on it heading this way.  What do we do?"  "LET'S SHOOT IT!"

Is there anything we haven't seen in this movie?  It's got two guys who don't take crap from anybody (probably because this movie was originally written as a buddy cop movie.  I'm only guessing though) but one is old and one is young.  The old guy takes the new guy under his wing in an uncomfortable tough love kind of way because he sees himself in the new guy when he was young.  There are scenes where we meet the families of the two so we can sympathise with them and have emotional investment in the boring made for t.v. characters.  I hope you guys like a lot of talk because that's what you are going to get in this "fast, intense, roller coaster ride" of a movie. Is this some kind of homage to the really boring action movies of the 1990's?  I feel like this is an updated version of Armageddon or Speed.  There was a lot of talk and zero action in those movies too.  I feel like Kevin Costner and Ashton Kutcher should be starring in this movie instead of Denzel and Alt. Capt. Kirk.  This could be the sequel to the Guardian.

I bet Denzel dies at the end.  He pushes Kirk off at the last minute to save his life.  Only he can navigate the train to a place safe enough to explode and not kill millions of people.  Sounds a little too much like Armageddon to me.

What do I know?  I really can't know if the movie is bad until I see it.  This movie could be a complete surprise.  Maybe the train is a Transformer.  Now that's a movie!  Let us be positive.  This will be a great movie.  It's not in 3-D at least.  I could like this movie. Perhaps even love this movie.  Maybe I am wrong. 

I'm not though.


Sunday, August 29, 2010

The Last Exorcism

So me and my girlfriend Melissa get to the theater and wait in line behind some nerd hitting on the cashier.  Apparently he is rewatching some movie that didn't do so well so he is there to support it.  All I am saying is that it better be Scott Pilgrim vs. The World.  If its Vampires Suck I am going to have to hurt him.  Ah, who am I kidding the guy could probably kick my butt.  Inside as I was getting a coke however some kid dressed like he just got back from a free shopping spree at Hot Topic was talking to one of the cashiers at the snack counter. Apparently they know each other.  Here is what was said.

Cashier:  "So what are you seeing?"

Hot Topic Kid:  "Vampires Suck for the second time."

FOR THE SECOND TIME! Seriously!  Are you kidding me?  Come on youth of America.  Is this what you guys consider cool?  Is it because you like vampire stuff and Vampires Suck has vampires in it?  Is it because you think that the whole Twilight thing is stupid and you are getting even with it by watching a completely obvious, cliche riddled unfunny but painfully tries to be movie that is geared to those who would find Camp Rock and High School Musical great entertainment?  I thought you guys were punks.  I thought maybe you guys would be into Scott Pilgrim not popularity movies like Step Up 3-D.  Do you guys even underage smoke anymore?  All your pretty colors and expensive punk clothes don't make you punks.  You guys look like BRATZ dolls.  Vampires Suck?  No, you suck.  Stop calling yourselves "Emo".  That term is for like 80's new wave or something around that time.  Not My Chemical Romance or The Used.  Remember back in the day when it was cool to know about movies like Clerks and Reservoir Dogs?  Those movies were cool and clever with a lot of imagination confined in a small budget.  They were movies that made you think and changed the way you thought about film in general.  Comedies and gangster movies were changed after that.  But now with all the great movies that could define a generation (Like Scott Pilgrim) Vampires Suck is considered a good enough movie for a BRATZ kid to go see twice and become a hit.  I am glad I am old.

Oh, yea The Last Exorcism.  Is it any good?  Yes it is.  Is it scary?  Not really.  Lets be honest here.  The trailer is a little misleading.  I rewatched the trailer after seeing the movie and they take a shot and reverse it and put it upside down to give you an impression of something that doesn't happen in the movie.  Despite not being very scary the movie does pull you in with the lead actor playing Rev. Cotton Marcus.  He is a faith healer that is a complete fraud.  He doesn't believe in demons or exorcisms.  What he does is go around preaching the bible and tricking people with fake exorcisms.  He reads in a newspaper that a boy was suffocated to death in a exorcism and that changes his life.  He too has a son and now he has a guilty conscience about what he does.  He wants a film crew to document his next fake exorcism to expose the exorcisms as fraud.  Cotton is a completely likable guy and carries your emotional involvement throughout the movie.  This movie really tries hard to be like Blair Witch Project and Paranormal Activity.  Both of those were extremely profitable with extremely simple concepts.  For the most part Exorcism succeeds in creating a realistic mood and creepy moments.  I believe there are a few moments where light music is added and there tend to be too many cuts in a scene which would require more than one camera which there isn't.  That kind of ruins the authentic mood a little bit but its barely noticeable. The Last Exorcism never captures any truly scary moments.  The ending is my biggest problem.  The more I think about it the more I like most of the ending.  In a clever kind of way its hilarious.  But the last image isn't as compelling, memorable or scary like Blair Witch or Paranormal.  Its just okay.

Also how are we able to see this movie?  Usually there is a fake disclaimer before a movie like this telling you some back story on how the video was discovered so you the audience are able to see it.  The story for the Blair Witch is that we are watching film that was discovered out in the woods years after the kids disappearance.  Paranormal Activity is a film recovered by the police from a murder scene.  You feel like you are watching unedited caught on film true horror.  Its like watching crime scene evidence of the paranormal.  Just the small possibility of realism captures the audience imagination.  Or at least for those who have imagination.  The Last Exorcism can't do that because of its ending.  You already know before going in to a Blair Witch style film that everyone is going to die and the only thing left is the video evidence of the characters final moments.  How was this film discovered?  Why does it still exist?  You just don't know.  I mean seriously how can you go into a movie and see lame jokes about teeny-bopper vampires being stupid with stupid jokes about purity rings.  We aren't even at the end of the whole romantic vampire movies cycle yet.  Don't these kind of spoof movies come at the end of the cycle when the movies aren't popular anymore and Hollywood has run out of ideas.  Has Hollywood run out of ideas?  Already?  You know who I blame?  Ashston Kutcher.  This is all his and his "Punked" shows fault.  Kids think stupid is cool so they are all stupid.  I can't prove it but I am sure he came up with the concept of Jersey Shore.  I can't stand that guy.  I don't even know if I spelled his name right.  I am not even going to search the Web to find out.  I just don't care.


Wednesday, August 25, 2010


The Good, The Bad, and The Weird is a great homage to the Leone Italian westerns.  The Weird has stolen a treasure map that leads to a supposed ancient treasure.  The Bad is chasing the Weird to settle a score.  The Good is a bounty hunter chasing the Bad for his bountiful bounty.  This is a fun film to watch.  The film is colorful and for the most part the action is captured perfectly.  The shaky-cam does make appearances from time to time but its not too noticeable.  The movie never slows down.  Its one gun fight after another.  Good thing too because I think there are more plot holes than there are actual bullet holes if you pay close attention.  Its still a great film.  Unfortunately the U.S. version kind of sucks.

I have two versions of this film.  I have a region 0 copy that is uncut and the new blu-ray that just came out from IFC Films.  I don't know who but somebody decided to play director and change the ending in the U.S. version.  The original has a longer ending with another nod to the Leone films that is crucial for the ending to make sense and another quick shoot-out.  Its awesome.  The U.S. decided that the movie was too long for today's high school musical crowd and cut it down to where the ending is weak sauce.  The Weird survives but how and I do believe (though I am not sure) they leave the fate of the Good and the Bad a mystery.  You see at the end wanted posters showing the Bad being marked out as DEAD.  The Good is walking by and takes notice.  They only show his feet at first with a shot of his back watching the Bad's wanted poster being marked out. It has to be the Good, right?  When he turns around the lower part of his face is covered by a scarf (or whatever) but to me he looks different.  Something about his eyes doesn't look right.  Maybe the Bad is wearing the Good's clothes but I didn't notice a scar on his cheek so maybe it is the Good.  The point is I couldn't tell.  Its a much weaker ending.  Why would IFC do this?  I thought they would keep the intended viewing experience intact.  Instead they sold out.  Sony did the same damn thing to Sukiyaki Western Django where they removed a couple of weird crazy scenes involving a guy getting his balls shot off and later he tries to be a woman and hit on his gang's leader where he is promptly shot dead.  Its weird and unnecessary but it adds to the unique Takashi Miike watching experience.  Its something you don't see over here which is why we watch movies like this in the first place.  I guess the powers that be decided to that we wouldn't understand so they cut the cool stuff out.

Maybe that is the intent of The Good, The Bad and The Weird.  Maybe there are multiple endings that could be fitted to the end depending on which section of the world the movie is playing at.  The final shoot-out seems left open to where any ending is possible.  The Good could win with The Weird getting away or The Weird gets away and is still being chased by the Bad.  Its whatever you want it to be.  Its kind of like the new My Bloody Valentine 3-D.  In that movie they leave clues to two possible killers.  It was either Jensen Ackles (the hero) or the sheriff played by that one guy from Dawson's Creek who was the token gay character. But the ending isn't decided by the story itself because it could have been either one.  The only way to tell is when Jensen finally comes out and says "I'm the killer".  The ending seems more decided on focus groups and early screening reactions rather than the natural progression of the story.  But I am a blogger on the Internet.  What the fudge would I know?

Despite the ending I do believe the rest of the film is left intact.  If you love westerns and action with blood and comedy I highly recommend. 


Monday, August 16, 2010


Aliens vs. Predator Requiem is a mess of both franchises.  This movie takes all the scenes and dialogue from Aliens (Alien sequel) and Predator (part 1) and splices them with bad ideas and drenches them in weak sauce.  Man, this movie is so boring and painful to watch. Since we have all seen the original movies we already know what is going to happen in scene after scene after barely lit scene. I would rather date a spider and meet her eight hundred children than sit through this Jurassic Park sized turd.  Being a fan of horror, action, and sci-fi films one has to be able to forgive some stupid parts to be able to enjoy them.  I couldn't do it with AVP-R.  I mean when the title appears at the very beginning it flashes up so quickly that you can't tell what you are reading.  Just the simple title that tells you what you are watching is something you have to forgive. That is asking a lot.  And you still have  the whole movie to sit through.

Problem #1.  Like the first AVP film (which I did like) this one takes place on Earth.  And of course the setting is some modern day town somewhere in the mountains.  That means all the locations are places you are familiar with.  When you think of an Aliens film do you think of restaurants, pizza places, schools, gun stores, maternity wards in hospitals?  The two don't go well together.  That is unless you were actually telling the story of how Earth became infested and destroyed by an alien actually reaching Earth.  This movie doesn't do that. It is just some small isolated town that you already know will get nuked at the end.  All these movies end with an explosion.  Even that would not stop the aliens from spreading but for movie purposes it does.  The underlying threat in the Alien saga is what would happen if an alien reached Earth.  Sigourney Weaver's character Ripley spends three movies preventing that from happening.  She even gives up her own life to stop the greedy corporations from getting their hands on it.  Well guess what?  AVP-R ruins all of that by showing aliens on Earth and nothing too terrible happening that cannot be fixed by a nuke.

Problem #2.  The Characters.  There are too many people characters. None of them stand out.  Everyone is  made-for-tv.  Teenagers make up a lot of the cast too.  Of course you have a few stereo-types.  There is the "Jerk"who beats up the  "Unpopular kid who is love with the Jerks girlfriend" who is the "Nice Popular Girl".  Do you think of teenagers when you think of Aliens vs. Predators?  I guess they want to pay homage to Friday the 13th also.  They all look like they are filming an episode of One-Tree Hill and Aliens and Predators happen to show up.  Wow, is that an homage to the Predator movies?  Predator is an action movie where a Predator happens to show up.  Predator 2 is a police action movie where Danny Glover happens to be investigating the murders done by a Predator. In fact I recognize a few from actual tv shows.  The hero is from Rescue Me, the kid hunting with his father is from Psyche,  and the little girl's dad is from True Blood.  The little girl (who is the newt character) has a mom back from fighting in Iraq or maybe Afghanistan.  Of course she has to look somewhat like Ripley from the Aliens movies.  The reason why they have a strong Ripley like character is because "the most important thing about the Aliens movies is having a strong female character".  Which is complete crap.  Sigourney Weaver is a great actress who made the terror in those films believable but we don't watch these movies for her.  We watch them for the monsters.  We watch them to see aliens fight marines.  We watch them to see aliens fight marines and Predators.  We don't watch them because of some weird metaphor about strong willed women running from penis-head monsters.

Problem #3.  Its Stupid.  Its the "Jerk" who suggests they should leave right away.  Instead of getting in a car and leaving town when all hell breaks loose the older brother of the "Unpopular Kid" who is suppose to be the main hero and smart one says "If we are going to leave town we need guns."  .Why?  In the previous scene we see most of the towns people in their cars LEAVING TOWN!  The movie could have ended right there.  At one point a soldier walks by a sitting alien in the middle of the street which pops up right behind him and splatters his brains against the glass of a car door.  How did he not see it? ITS RIGHT THERE!  Only one Predator goes back to Earth to kill all the aliens and cover-up their existence.  Why not send a whole bunch?  And of course he gets spotted by a cop so the Predator kills him.  But instead of hiding the body the Predator does his trademark skinning and hanging the body in the trees routine so later on the cops can find it and say things like "He was skinned alive." and "There were no tracks."  You know, to get more lines from the other movies into this movie.  Wouldn't that be counter productive in covering up the fact that you are there.? Predators only skin what they hunt.  This Predator isn't hunting humans for sport this time.   He is cleaning a mess.(Which is a pretty original idea.)  Get it right, people!

Problem #4. ALIEN, PREDATOR HYBRID QUEEN.  To outdo all other films in the franchise,  AVP-R introduces us to the alien predator hybrid queen.  That means it is SUPERDY-DUPER awesome.  Yeah, it looks kind of awesome. But the concept (which was introduced in Alien3) of an alien adopting physical traits of their hosts is unimaginative.  That's the kind of idea you come up with if you want to sell a lot of alien toys and you need to come up with different types of toys to sell.  The whole concept taints the Alien perfection.  The Giger design of the Alien is perfect.  Leave it alone.  We don't need aliens with feathers or scales or hair. Instead of laying eggs that have face-huggers this Pred-Queen sticks her tongue down your throat and lays eggs in your stomach.  You get to see pregnant moms with the bellies spewing open with tentacles of baby alien heads.  Its pretty tasteless and doesn't belong in this franchise.  This whole movie doesn't belong in the freakin franchise.  This movie should be one of those "What If" movies like Marvel had the "What If" series of comics.  That is what this movie is.

The aliens and Predators are meticulously kept perfect to look exactly like they did in Aliens and Predator.  The way they move and sound are pretty much perfect. Unfortunately the film is bathed in dark shadows hiding a lot of these details.  Often the heavy shadows make it difficult to see what you are looking at.  At least they made this movie for an R rating but even that doesn't help.  Blood and guts alone can't make a movie good.  There are so many "nods" to the originals that the creative neck of AVP-R is broke. Maybe one day we will get a perfect AVP film but I will probably be dead by then with my own neck broken by nodding my head at all the stupid parts in this movie.  How bleak.


Sunday, August 15, 2010

The Expendables. Rambo, Commando, Die Hard vs. ERIC ROBERTS!?!

Oh, man.  You got to feel sorry for poor Eric Roberts.  You know its going to end very badly for that poor bastard.  It is a surreal experience to watch some of the best action stars from the eighties interacting with one another in the same film.  This movie has just about everybody. Rambo is the main star with Commando and Die Hard making a cameo near the beginning.  Rambo has the Transporter, Danny the Dog, and Red Scorpion working on his team of mercenaries with some UFC fighter and the big black guy that likes to beat up wetness and odor to the extreme in those Old Spice commercials.  Lets just say that he blows the crap-ola out of wetness and odor in this film along with a lot of body parts that have been known to cause such.  I do wish Steven Seagal and Van Damme were in it too but you can't have everything in life.

This movie never gets dull.  The Expendables is a simple men on a mission story.  Stallone is given a mission that even Commando would not accept.  But the movie focuses more on the characters than the mission itself.  Its full of car chases and explosions to keep everyone interested for the entire film.  Everyone puts in a great performance with a lot of great lines that aren't necessarily one liners.  I don't remember too many "I'll be back" or "Stick around" moments. Its just funny, clever dialogue.  Not all the lines are good though. Die Hard has one moment where he threatens Rambo by telling him he is going to "chop him up into little doggy treats."  Not a very intimidating to the guy whose mom will shoot you if you don't stop.  I'm just saying

I know a lot of critics will dismiss this film as nothing more than a big, dumb, action movie. There will be a lot of talk about testosterone and no brains but.they are so wrong. I know movies like this where men are men intimidate the hell out of critics.  They can not relate to such characters.  There is nothing dumb about men with no cause realizing there is something to fight and die for. That is what this story is about.  I know that is what happens in all these movies, but so what?  Its better than some movie about walking and talking that wins the Academy Award for Best Picture.  I'm looking at you American Beauty!  Some of Stallone's partners are different stages of the psyche of men who fight in wars all their life.  Mickey Rourke is part of the Expendables as the guy who sets up work for Stallone's men.  He was once a fighter too but he stopped because he was losing his human compassion.  Now he paints, tattoos and bangs chicks all day long.  Dolph is losing his sanity.  He enjoys killing too much.  The Expendables have a respect for the dead.  Crazy ol' Dolph likes blowing people in half and desecrating the dead for fun.  Yeah, they kick him off the team.  He is actually the most interesting character in my opinion.  Especially his relationship with Stallone.  Everyone on the team seems to be close friends.  They aren't just a bunch of pricks with guns who bicker to show they are pricks and determine in what order each one of them are going to die in just like in any other low grade wannabe action film.  These guys are likable. So it is interesting to see that when Dolph's character goes rogue and tries to kill everybody that Stallone is trying to save him.  Stallone doesn't want to end up like that.  After scouting out the target at the island of Vilenna Stallone decides it is too dangerous.  His woman guide is put in danger but instead of leaving when she has the chance she stays.  This affects Stallone's character. He doesn't understand why she did that. She is more courageous than he.  He and his team go back to start all kinds of hell just because it is the right thing to do.  I think that Eric Roberts represents the kind of villain Stallone's character could have become if he stayed in his "only for the money" kind of ways. Or maybe I just think I am really smart and read too much into things. You decide.

Jet Li kind of gets his butt kicked some in this movie.  He doesn't do so well against Crazy Ol' Dolph.  He wants a bigger share because he is so little.  Bullet holes are bigger on him because he is so little. Hilarious.  But there is one moment where he is with Stallone talking about his problems when a bunch of bad dudes show up in cars and try to kill them.  I kind of think this is the most badass moment in the film.  There is a quick shot of Jet Li shooting at his attackers with this stone cold killer stare. I know he is just and actor and he is really small but based on that stare I wouldn't mess with the guy.  Lets just say I am convinced he could kill somebody in real life with no problem.  Now that's what I call great acting.

I do have one gripe though. (Oh, here it comes)  While there is tons of fighting and blood in this movie (you know the good stuff you go to see a movie like this for)  its all filmed frantically with more  close ups and shaky cams than you can shake a cam at.  Its like The Expendables is paying homage to the Transformers movies.  This is so ironic to me.  Here we have the great eighties action stars in a great eighties style action flick but with modern effects to show a bunch of blood and heads exploding filmed like a Michael Bay film.  Stallone decides to film most of it with close-ups, shaky-cam, quick cuts and camera jerks.  This can't be.  Good luck telling what is going on half the time.  This isn't a freakin music video.  If it wasn't for that crazy zippity-doo-da style of filming action I would have said this is a perfect film. But I just can't.

Other than that I love this movie.  I think it maybe the best film of the year for me.  The Expendables is not as predictable as you would think  There are a few surprises in this movie.  I actually expected the middle to be kind of slow. Can you believe that! How stupid am I?  But instead there is a very impressive escape in the middle of the film which could easily be the climax of any other action movie. But it isn't.  There is still more kick-butt destruction still to come.  Its great to see everyone kill in their own style.  Statham and Li like stabbing and kicking people.  If they stab or shoot anybody you know they are going to kick them too for no reason.  Did they really need to double team Gary Daniels (He is kind of a taller Ray Parks)? The UFC guy likes to do his UFC  grabs and slams.  The rest just like to shoot people.  There is a lot of shooting in this movie so watch out.  Every now and then you may have to duck under your seat to avoid the stray bullets coming off the screen. 

Go see it so we can get a sequel fast tracked!


Saturday, August 14, 2010

Friday the 13th The Remake

Friday the 13th The Remake is a bland unnecessary film full of forgettable deaths and lackluster scares but with good cinematography.  If you want to get technical it is a remake of Friday the 13th parts 1,2, and 3.  They show the mom getting killed at the beginning just like part 1.  Jason is human,wears a bag over his head for awhile and runs just like part 2.  And he gets the hockey mask just like part 3.  Oh, and horny teenagers get killed just like part ALL OF THEM!  Here's the problem.  Nobody wants to see a slasher flick about your mom killing teens.  People want to see Jason with the hockey mask and that doesn't happen till part 3.  So what is the solution?  Answer.  You make a really bad movie that doesn't make any sense because you want to make a new Friday film that is different and yet pays homage to the original to show your "street cred", yo!

The Remake starts off with two local community actors (A young girl playing a counselor and an older woman playing Mrs. Vorhees) rehearsing a scene from the original Friday film.  Its black and white and they are performing in the rain for dramatic effect I assume.  From the bushes a third actor in boy Jason make-up is seen watching.  The mom goes on and on about the counselors screwing and letting her poor boy drowned in the yada, yada, yada.  You heard all that before.  The acting is bad.  Really bad.  Like you know this can't be part of the film bad.  You expect at any moment that you will hear the director call "cut" and everyone goes back to being themselves with a laugh or two.  Instead the girl takes her machete and cuts off the mom's head.  As the blood spurts you realize that THIS IS THE FILM!  Couldn't they get better actors for that scene?  It feels like they just shot that scene as an after thought and couldn't get enough money to make it good.  Maybe they hadn't watched the original Friday film (like everybody else) until after they made the movie. Whoops.

But forget about that. I want to talk about how much this scene doesn't make any sense.  This is the first scene in the movie!  So like in the first Friday film its Mrs. Vorhees who is doing all the killing.  Jason's body was never recovered so for revenge she kills counselors for being irresponsible horny teenagers.  I think its been years since Jason's death.  In the remake you still have the mom killing teenagers for letting her boy drowned and yet young Jason is over in the bushes watching her mom try to kill the last counselor.  Think about it.  Why doesn't Jason just come out of the bushes and say "Hey, M-mum I otay. Doon't hwrt anyone anymoe. I want ice cream."  I assume that's what he sounds like when he talks.  He has a weird shaped head you know.  Why would she think her son is dead in the first place?  He's in the bushes!  There would be no body.  Who would tell her that her son is dead assuming nobody saw him drowned?  If they did see him drown wouldn't they help?  This is a case where the writer is paying homage to the original but not thinking things through.  But you gotta put it in there right?  The answer is a machete to your face. In other words "HELL NO!"  Essentially every Friday film is a remake of the previous films but sometimes with a different spin. For example part 7 is about a bunch of teens getting killed but one is a psychic or part 10 (The best one) is about a bunch of teens getting killed and Jason goes to space to be used like a surf board entering New Earth's atmosphere. I guess Jason really likes Dark Star. Why not just eliminate that awkward beginning and everyone can think this is just another Friday film which it is.

The rest of the film is about these fake plastic teens who seem to have nothing in common which makes me think why would they bother being friends and hang out.  Who do they think they are?  The Breakfast Club?  Sucks to that!  They really do look like they are made of plastic.  Or maybe rubber.  Its like they all put on too much make-up.  Even the guys.  The main star is this guy looking for his sister who was killed at the beginning who meets the fake plastic teens and starts to fall in love with the nice popular girl whose boyfriend is the jerk of the group.  The jerk's father owns a cabin near Crystal Lake.  So the kids are there to do the usual which is to get high, have sex and jerk off in other people's living rooms where anybody could just walk in at any moment.  Lo and behold the main guy's sister is still alive so that means that the love interest is going to die.  You can't have more than one girl alive at the end of these things.  It's supposed to be a surprise but nothing is a surprise in this film.

That is the main problem I have with this film.  Nothing is a surprise.  Nothing is shocking.  Nothing is badass.  Nothing makes you go "Oh, man that looks like it hurt."  Its just scene after scene of boring, boring deaths, arrow through face,(boring) knife through top of head, (meh) knife through back, (didn't see that coming.  Oh, wait. Yes I did) spike thingy through lower jaw and into brain ( hurry it up already).  Nothing too spectacular.  No, I take that back.  I will say there is one thing surprising about the new Friday.  I was surprised how little screen presence the new Jason had.  He was big a bulky and carried a big knife but never did he inspire awe or dread like Kane Hodder's Jason or even Freddy vs. Jason's Jason.  He wasn't badass like Hodder nor was he scary like in the earlier films.  He was just there.  Maybe its because I have seen all this before only better.  The way he gets his trade mark mask is so weak.  He is in a barn.  He looks down.  There is a hockey mask there.  He puts it on. Yawn.  I remember in part three some joker was wearing the mask and Jason kills him in some gruesome fashion and puts it on.  It was a moment that formed the legend of Jason Vorhees.  Us school kids would talk about how he got the mask and there would be debates about it. It was exciting.  Nobody is going to be talking about the new Jason's hockey mask origin.  What if Leatherface's chainsaw origin was the same.  Leather face is in the slaughter house.  He sees a chainsaw.  He picks it up. Now he likes chainsaws.......Wait I think that is exactly what happened!  Who made that Chainsaw Beginnings movie?

How about that ending?  If you think the beginning was dumb wait for the ending. Remember Jason is just some mongoloid, right?  He was just a boy when he saw his mom die. He grew up and continued the tradition of killing only this time its revenge for his dead mom. He is described as a survivalist by the yahoos that made this movie.  The brother and sister are the only survivors.  They actually kill Jason by getting a chain around his neck and pulling his head into a wood chipper thingy. The back of his head gets grinded up.  No more brains.  Now he is dead.  What would you do?  Would you....

A) Call the cops so you don't get arrested for being the only survivors and prime suspects of a mass murder. 

B) Dump the body into the lake eliminating the main evidence (the actual killer) because you have a fascination for watching things sink into murky water.

C) Put the mask on and become the new Jason.  HAHAHA it can never end!

This movie chose B.  Why?  To have a sequel and pay homage to the original yet again!  After dumping the dead body the brother and sister linger on the dock relieved that the horror is over. Suddenly Jason for no real reason jumps out of the water and grabs the sister. The End.  How?  He is just a guy with a hockey mask.  How does he come back from the dead?  Because he did it in the other Friday films.  That is the only reason why.  Because it happened in the others.  There is no clue of supernatural ability in this film.  Only in the original do they establish Jason as being undead at the very end.  They do it to leave a question in the mind of the audience.  He is still down there?  A zombie boy?  A ghost?  Its creepy and adds to the urban legend.  That is what the originals along with some of the other truly great horror films of the late seventies and early eighties did. They made you feel like you were watching an urban legend rather than a studio film with the best cameras and digital special effects.

In conclusion while all Friday films are terrible (terribly awesome if you ask me) they at least can be enjoyed on some level of camp.  The new one tries too hard to be realistic (if you can believe that) and hardcore but doesn't come close to doing that. The story gets muddled up with its attempts to be different and yet stay true to the originals.  No more remakes please. 

By the way I would have chosen option C.


Friday, August 13, 2010


                                                      Are they running from lava?

You may find yourself sitting in a packed theater. And you may find yourself waiting impatiently for a movie about giant robots to explode on the screen in front of you. And you may find yourself watching a movie about a nerd getting a girl way out of his league while fighting a googly eyed John Tuturro. You might ask yourself 'Why are there so many people in my giant robot movie'? And you may ask yourself 'Where have all the robots gone'? You may ask yourself 'Why does Optimus Prime have lips'? Many minutes go by still there is nothing exciting going on. Many people like to talk yet the robots seem to do nothing. And you might say 'This is not my Optimus Prime! This is not my Transformers movie'!

A lot of people like this movie. Personally I think its just okay bordering on complete stupidity. I have a non-sexual (sometimes) crush on Shia Lebouf so I find a lot of his humor and acting quite enjoyable. I give Transformers one star for that. I take a million stars away for the bad story, weak focus and complete misunderstanding on what a Transformers audience member wants to see. Commonly I hear people say its good because "Its got Transformers in it". That's it. Does that mean Teenage Mutant Turtles 3 is a good movie because it has teenage mutant ninja turtles in it? Why can't Transformers be a smart movie with action and great memorable interesting characters.

Where to begin? How how about the perspective of the film? The perspective of the film comes from the human characters. The shots on film are from the humans looking up at giant things in the sky. Just like Pearl Harbor and Armageddon. This begs the question. Why not call the movie "PEOPLE-The Movie". The humans are the main characters and the Transformers are the supporting cast. You have three major stories going on that come together at the end with the Transformers merely in the background. You have Shia getting the girl and running from the bad robots but then John Tuturro shows up and kidnaps him, then there is the girl computer person and Anthony Anderson who discover a signal (just like Independence Day) who joins forces with the Vice-President, and lets not forget the solders who survive the first explosion sequence of the film that wander around the desert trying to find a way to let our government know that there are bad robots destroying stuff. The more interesting characters are the Transformers. Whats their story? Well they come to Earth to find a pair of glasses on Ebay. Lame. None of their personalities or motives are explored in the film. Bumblebee might be saying something important but he speaks by using different radio stations for each word he says. I still have no idea what he is saying. Maybe I have to be one of the young, cool, brainless, hipsters that were too young to appreciate Transformers that this film was geared toward. Irony?

Why can't the movie be about the Autobots coming to Earth to protect us from the evil Deceptacons led by the super evil Megatron who wants to set himself up as a god among the humans. The message of the film could be about the importance of life no matter how small it is. The interesting point would be that in this case humans would be the small. The few times we see humans they would be from the perspective of the giant robots looking down. Very small. Things that are big to us like trees are little to them. The difference between the Autobots and the Deceptacons is how they view human life. The Autobots see us as important and worthy to fight and die for while the Deceptacons view us as insignificant and fun to step on. All the talking lines should go to the Transformers. People in the film should say things like "Thank you for saving us" and " No! Please don't step on me"! That's it. We came to see Transformers not Even Stevens.

Notice that John Tuturro is the main villain in the film. Occasionally a bad transformer shows up and starts an "action" scene but quickly goes away. Megatron is asleep the whole movie until the end. When he finally shows up he says something that is really stupid and doesn't make sense. He tells Star Scream that he failed him. Uh, didn't Star Scream cause the power outage that unfroze Megatron. You see there is very little character development when it concerns the bad robots so the writers insert lines where ever because everyone knows that Megatron and Star Scream weren't the best of friends in the cartoon. When Shia finally gets the glasses Tuturro shows up and takes him away and then takes down Bumblebee. Thanks for showing up halfway through the movie. I was wondering who would show up and start some crap. Of course it wouldn't be a Deceptacon. That would be too awesome.

Michael Bay sucks. The Transformers are nothing more than the Special Effects That Causes All The Explosions And Destruction. Look at all the buildings explode. Look at the exploding jets and tanks and cars and bridges. What caused all this? Asteroids? Japanese Planes? No. Transformers. I think the humans take down more Deceptacons than the Autobots. Which makes the Autobots completely worthless. Once the incendiary rounds are discovered to cause damage to the bad guys the Autobots become irrelevant. Optimus Prime doesn't even take down Megatron. Shia does. If I was Shia, instead of risking my life with the cube by sticking it in Megatrons exposed chest (why was it open in the first place) I would simply find the nearest microwave and put it in there on high for three minutes. I'm sure it would have the same effect.

The designs of the Transformers are confusing and too complex. None of the Transformers stand out. In the fight scenes its hard to tell who is who and what body part is moving. Michal Bays directing style doesn't help either. Optimus Prime has lips. That's stupid. Why does he have lips? Does he need them to breathe? Does he eat with them? No, he needs them to show emotion. So we can relate to him. At least that's what I think Michael Bay thought. Of course he probably thought a big giant robot in Wild Wild West was a cool idea too. Yes, I know he didn't direct that one but my point is that while everybody older than ten thought it was stupid Bay would be part of the few that found it genius.

Michael Bay is one of the worst directors ever. He has never made a good movie. Only The Rock is passable. But even that one runs out of steam by the last twenty minutes. He wants to be the star of every movie he does. A good director doesn't allow his style to take your attention away from what is happening on screen. A good director uses his style to emphasise the emotion or action of what is happening. His constant moving of the camera and jerky fight sequences seem to say "Hello. I'm Michael Bay! WEEEEEEEEE!!!!! Pay attention to me!" Its like he losses interest in whats happening in front of him so he takes the camera and starts circling people while they have a simple conversation explaining important plot details. He tries in vain to establish a unique style that adds excitement or interest in his films. Computer Special effects is really all he is known for and he doesn't even do those. The special effect guys do that. His style is a cliche. I hope you like shaky cam, ring-around-people-talking cam, and slow-mo of people getting off of planes cam.

But the thing I hate the most about his movies is the "glare" shot. I hate it so much I am dedicating an entire paragraph to it. You will notice this shot alot in the Transformers movies and music videos like one of Green Day's American Idiot videos. I swear it happens like every five freakin minutes in Transformers. What is the "glare" shot you ask? Its simple. Take a dramatic moment like two people falling in love on screen face to face. Behind them is the rising sun. Just as they kiss the sun beams just over one of the lover's shoulders filling the entire screen with brightness. That means all the detail of what is happening is washed away in bright light. You can tell Mr. Bay thinks he is clever in doing this. He does it over and over again. Sometimes its not as obvious but I still see it. Its maddening. Imagine being in a dark theater watching your new favorite movie but every five minutes the sixteen year old My Chemical Romance lover in front of you beams his flashlight in your eyes. Cool, huh? Its annoying at best. There is nothing "classy", "hip" or "sleek" about it. Its like a giant middle finger extending from the screen and poking you in the eye. "Thanks for watching my movie, you F@*K! "

I could go on and on about all the stupid stuff in this film. How did they keep Megatron frozen along time ago? Nothing back then could keep him so cold that he would remain frozen. They just happen to move Megatron to the cube. That's convenient for the story. Did that dam exist all the way back then? But anyway I haven't seen all of part two yet. I saw thirty minutes of it and Oh, Man it looks even worse. Its like they took all my complaints of the first one and multiplied them by ten. Can wait to see it.

As always love to all, especially you. I also hope that you got my Talking Heads joke that was the first paragraph of this essay.


Thursday, August 12, 2010

Twilight part 2: New Moon!

Spoiler alert!!!! I didn't hate it. I found myself actually enjoying this one.......To poop on! Nah, I'm just messing with ya. It wasn't too bad. I won't bore you with the details of the story since you have already read the books and watched the movies like a hundred times and probably written volumes of books and screenplays of your own Twilight fan fiction, you sick sick person you. Instead I will write in a hilarious fashion my own thoughts of the film and why its better than the first one. OR IS IT!!!!....Yes it is.

The first Twilight was just plain boring. I hope you like grey and rain and people walking and sitting and looking sick and playing baseball and going to school. Why would hundred year old vamps still go to high school? I think sometime in the 1980's they saw 21 Jump Street and decided to spend their undead lives un-living (HA-ha?) out their youthful looking undercover cop fantasies. I wonder who Edward thinks he is? Bella and Edward hold little chemistry between the both of them. Their love seems empty and paint by the numbers. This is how the book goes so this is how the movie goes. Bella loves Edward because he is rock hard handsome and can run really fast and climb trees. Vampires are shown as fun loving, baseball playing, My Chemical Romance wannabes. Vampires don't melt in sunlight, they can't be killed by crosses or stakes through the heart, they can be psychic or mind readers or other cool stuff. Wow! Being dead looks great! Wish I was dead! There is no real downside to being a vampire. Why not make everyone a vampire? The villain vamps are non-threatening and show up at the end of the movie. Movie's over morons I guess we will have to wait till part 2 to see something happen.

It does. Part 2 shows the dark side of vampires. Somewhere in Europe there is a council of really old, super powerful vampires that have no problem killing hundreds of tourists to satisfy their thirst. These guys are not to be messed with. They bring a sense of looming danger to the film and I hope to see more of them in the future. Its better than seeing Bella screaming in her pillow at night. Awkward. How many times do we really need to see that? Werewolves make an appearance finally and they too are not to be messed with. One of them got really pissed at his girlfriend so he took her face and smashed it into blender..NAH, I'm just messing with ya. No, he wolfed out too close to her and accidentally cut off half her face. I wonder how he explained that one to the authorities? The wolves fighting the vamps keep things interesting because there is something actually happening on the screen. The movie isn't one long commercial for depression medication even though it tries with it's sad Bella scenes.

I don't know where the council of the vampires is. I don't remember. I will say its probably in Transylvania somewhere. They live in a city where during the movie the citizens are celebrating the elimination of vampires. Apparently a long time ago vampires were a serious issue in Transylvania and some guy kicked them all out and to mark the occasion the city puts on a big festival to honor the event. But as we see in New Moon the vampire council kill a bunch of tourists in one day as if they were merely having a simple lunch. I'm sure they do that often. Wouldn't a city that is notorious for dealing with vampires get suspicious about a bunch of tourists going missing in their city everyday? Would there not be people looking for them? I am sure there would be one detective in town that would say " Hey, Johnny. Doesn't it seem strange to you that Los Angeles has three hundred missing person cases every year and we have three hundred missing person cases everyday?" It just doesn't make sense. But then again Twilight is about feelings. Not logic.

New Moon can't go five minutes without showing Edward in some strange spooky way. I get it. Girls see Twilight for the pale creaminess of Edward. I get it. But what about story. This movie is about the relationship between Bella and Jacob. Edward left. Its Jacobs turn. Yet according to the Twilight movies a vampire can turn into a ghost and visit people while they are doing something dangerous. Bella wants to ride a bike with some jerk and here comes the ghost of Edward appearing out of thin air telling her to turn around. I know what you are going to say. "Jason, you magnificent man you. That wasn't a ghost. That was Bella's conscience  manifesting itself in the form of the one who hurt her most. Thus giving her reason to rebel and be dangerous." To that I would respond. "Then why is she arguing with it when she is about to cliff dive?" How often do you argue out loud to a non-entity of yourself? Answer. You don't. Twilight focuses too much on the star power of Edward. What if they did that in other movies? What if Star Wars: A New Hope banked too much on the star power of Alec Guiness? What if George felt that the audience would lose interest after Obi-Wan is dead and decided to put him back in during a pivotal moment in Star Wars? I think it would go something like this......

"Tugging a dead R-2 unit Luke Skywalker's X-Wing nears the exhaust port ready to fire. He ignores the booms and blasts of exploding Tie-Fighters and X-Wings all around him. He needs to focus. He is the only one left. He is the last hope. Within firing range he presses a button and summons the targeting computer that extends into his immediate view. Suddenly the blue ghost of Obi-Wan appears before our hero just outside the cockpit window.

"Luke, use the force." The blue Obi-Wan speaks with assurance.

Luke screams. "HOLY SHIT! GHOSTS ARE REAL!!!"

The X-Wing jerks to the right and explodes in the trenches of the Death Star.

The End."

Pretty scary stuff, huh.? Almost as scary as going to school with hundred year old teenage vampires that could go blood crazy at the slightest hint of a bloody nose. Why do they go to school again? To not be noticed? Heck one of them tried to kill Bella on her birthday because she cut her finger. Think about it, folks. Anyway I still like New Moon and do plan on seeing the next one in the theater. I am not going to say I am a fan because the love story which is the main focus of Twilight does not interest me in the slightest. Its the conflict of Edward and Jacob that I look forward too. Boy on Dog action. GO TEAM JACOB!....Nah, I'm just kidding. I am an Edward fan. He looks just like me.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010


I like the red grenade on the front. Have you ever seen a red grenade before?


What is Deadly Prey? Take the script from Rambo and have a fifth grader completely rewrite it. Then add enough steroids to make baseball interesting and you have DEADLY PREY. Whoever made this movie knew nothing of weapons or military or survival but they knew that Rambo was awesome. The idea was to make a Rambo style movie but this time it was going to be darker, more violent and extreme with a higher body count and short-shorts. Instead what was created was the greatest worst movie ever. The action isn't action. Everyone uses their weapons like a kid would instead of how a well trained solider would.(Lets hold our guns at crotch level when we shoot. We don't need our balls.) I cannot convey with simple words how stupid this movie is. I don't know where to start. Where to begin?

So the main character, Danton Mike Danton, is an ex-super secret special forces, ex-green beret, ex-rock front man ( I am assuming he was in a band based upon his mullet) who is kidnapped and taken to a "secret" base 75 miles east of L.A. (Thank you movie for being so specific. We really needed to know that.) where mercenaries train by hunting fat accountants. Because that's the best way to become an elite super solider.....Right? The main bad guy who runs the camp is also Danton Mike Danton's former special forces trainer. His name is Hogan. Danton Mike Danton turns the tables on the hunters who hunt him to become THE DEADLY PREY........Who cares?

None of this is interesting. The reason why you watch a movie like this is for the WANNABE vibe this movie puts out. For the most part this entire movie is just a rip-off of the stealth kill parts from the Rambo movies. For two hours basically all you see is an oily man in short-shorts pop out of grass and trees and water and dirt stabbing people with sticks and saying clever one-liners like "YOU'RE DEAD" before he stabs them with the before mentioned sticks. My favorite kill is the first kill where the mercs pass Danton Mike Danton leaving one straggler behind. Our hero emerges from his amazing super cool hiding spot killing the straggler with the biggest log he could find. Its huge and unnecessary. Did it really need to be that big? Did Danton Mike Danton really need to use the entire forest on one guy? Calm down movie....Geeze.

Oh did I mention that Danton Mike Danton has a wife whose dad is a retired cop? The wife is kidnapped later too and eventually is raped by Hogan (Isn't that darker than Rambo?) and then killed near the end of the movie. Even though all of that sounds horrible in sentence form its actually hilarious in movie form. Her dad the cop played by Cameron Mitchell goes looking for Danton Mike Danton. His daughter tells him three numbers of the license plate and what color the van was that kidnapped her husband. That's all. She really wasn't even sure about the numbers she gave him and I think she got the color wrong too. Doesn't matter Cameron Mitchell is an excellent cop. Based on said information he is able to track the van all the way out to the middle of nowhere.....How? He discovers an evil business man funds the merc training camp. So the cop plays dead in the middle of the road where the "evil" business man stops to help. Why would an evil business man stop to help? He is evil. Why would a cop think he would stop and do something nice? Cameron gets up, gives a speech about scum and shoots the "evil" business man. Then Cameron gets caught. He is taken back to camp where he is shot by Hogan. Thank you Hogan.

Danton Mike Danton takes on a tank, a helicopter, two hundred mercs, hunger, the environment and nothing can stop him. Except for two hillbillies who find him sleeping. They tell him not to move or else "We will fill your butt up with so much buckshot....." They are good guys so they don't shoot him. Bad guys show up and shoot them though. In fact I think everybody gets shot, stabbed, blown up, or beaten with their own chopped off arm. That's how hardcore this movie is....Hardcore may not be the best word to use. I could go on and on. The only real point to this rambling review is that this movie is a wannabe to a much superior film. Yet this movie is watchable in a wonderfully bad way. I think I saw Danton Mike Danton's balls a couple of times too. Yummy. I highly recommend. Warning: DO NOT WATCH SOBER!!!! Check out the six minute fan made trailer on youtube to fully understand how funny this movie is.

Where does he keep his Rambo knife that has a compass and sewing thread? I think I know where he keeps his compass and its not in his knife.

                             Would you mess with a guy that looks this badass?......Yeah, I would too.

Monday, August 9, 2010


I like Steven Sommers. I like him alot. DEEPRISING. Awesome! The first MUMMY. Super! VAN HELSING. BALLS IN MY MOUTH TERRIBLE!!!!! The Universal Horror Monster movies of long ago are some of my favorite movies. As a kid these are the only horror movies I would watch because as a kid I was a wuss with an X-Men like special ability to poop my pants anytime FRIDAY the 13 came on KDEB (local fox station back in the 80's). Eighties horror was too gory but monsters are awesome so I had to depend on the safe horrors of old black and white Dracula and Frankenstein. When the studio ran out of ideas for an original horror movie they simply packed a film with Dracula and Wolfman and Frankenstein and some mad scientist and Igor and Abbot and Costello. Those films aren't so great. But what if they made a Universal monster movie with all the classic great villains together mixed with today's special effects and a hero that is super badass who has all these cool weapons that are suppose to kill lots of creatures? Well, instead of getting one of my favorite movies of all time I got MOULON ROUGE 2: HERES SOME CRAP!!!

When production on VAN HELSING was announced I was excited. Yea, Steven Sommers is way too heavy on the CGI but he made great action monster movies that delivered on their promise. Kill lots of monsters. The MUMMY part 2 sucked but everyone makes a mistake, right? I anticipated every headline on the internet hoping to get a small glimpse of the visual direction and tone Van Helsing was going for. The sneak peak posters with all the monsters and the hero in silhouette were exciting because the look of Van Helsing was similar to VAMPIRE HUNTER D so you knew this movie was going to be BADASS despite knowing it was going to be PG-13. Seeing the trailer I was even more convinced this was going to be one the best monster movies ever. I couldn't wait. Finally in the theater the movie began........From the very beginning everything sucked. The acting was way too over the top and nothing looked real. I'm a pretty forgiving guy so I let it slide when the Frankenstein monster tries to start an opera right before the flaming windmill he is standing on gives way and he falls screaming "WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?" . At least that is what I assumed was happening. Twenty minutes later I gave up. That was the worst part because I knew I still had two hours to go before the movie was over.

Like MOULON ROUGE tried to bring back the classic 50's musical, VAN HELSING attempts to capture a classic style of acting and production values that are iconic in the traditional Universal creature feature. MOULON ROUGE didn't understand the Broadway style acting so every performance is over the top and greatly exaggerated to cartoonish proportions. Also MOULON ROUGE was lazy and didn't want to write its own music so it said "Here's a bunch of Madonna songs. She is still A-list, right?" VAN HELSING does the exact same thing except the Madonna songs thingy. Every line is delivered as awkwardly as possible with a emphasis on whaling and screaming and moaning. I couldn't understand what anybody was saying half the time. But that's how they talked in the classics, right? Nope.

The plot is about the worst Dracula ever, who wants to harness the life force that keeps Frankenstein alive. Dracula wants to bring to life the still born children he has had with his three wives. That sounds kind of creative. But his children are millions of snot-dwarf-bat-thingys that are cocooned in snot sacks. Lame. Van Helsing shows up with his cool gadgets to stop him. Unfortunately he can't hit anything with his fully automatic crossbow and Dracula can't be killed by traditional means so all his cool stuff means nothing. That's right wooden stakes, sunlight, universal health-care, none of that can stop him. Brilliantly (sarcasm) the only way to defeat Dracula is to turn into a werewolf and bite out his throat. Only a five year old would think that was cool. Here's another great idea. Lets take Frankenstein and make him really smart and deep. He is going to be a good guy. Lets give him a lot of dialogue but let us make him look retarded so everyone will laugh when he speaks. Also turn his head into an aquarium and give him a beat box for a left leg. For a finale lets have Frankenstein swing around like Tarzan, that would be cool. Nothing makes sense. Nothing comes together. Everything is blue and incredibly boring despite being packed with monsters and action and horny friars. I wasted two years waiting for this sucker. I want my two years back.........Never mind I would just waste them anyway.

As always love to all especially the two people who actually read this crap,


Sunday, August 8, 2010


Basically in the future a bunch of nobodies led by the Young Indiana Jones travel via "SCIENCE!" to a distant alien planet that is similar to Earth. Their mission is to find a thingy that will save their own pollution filled world. What it is exactly I don't know. I wasn't paying attention. I was drinking when the scientist people were explaining that part, okay? I admit it. I have a drinking problem. Don't judge me!!!! Now remember this is a far away planet that should have all kinds of strange new exotic creatures. You must keep that in mind for the joke of what this movie is to make any sense.
Our band of science guys arrive on the familiar looking un-named planet only to discover that the dominant species is stock footage of bears. That's right stock footage of bears. How 1940's. We don't even get the quiet dignity of a guy in a bear suit. Rip-off!!! And you guys know how much I like a man in a bear suit. Now the movie does try to explain that these bears are not your average picnic basket stealing bears. No, these are super evolved bears that don't die when you shoot them with bullets. Hence that is why the stock footage doesn't react to Sean Patrick Flanery when he shoots them. Funny enough the "special" effects department added in little blood splatters on the stock footage. Hilarious. Savage Planet tries to make the bears seem super menacing by giving them PREDATOR vision (kind of)and telling us that they are super big. Unfortunately the stock footage shows nothing more than your average eccentric documentarian eating bear.

What you see in this movie is alot of hiking and back packs with hiking stuff and if you stop hiking and say you need a rest your science buddies will leave you and you get attacked by a bear and you die by a random floating bear claw in a silly student film special effectsy kind of way. The three rules for survival are very simple. Don't stop and say you need to rest aka don't be fat, don't run ahead because your head will be knocked off (not ripped off this movie is too low budgeted to look real) aka don't be the bad guy, and three, be Sean Patrick Flanery.

The fact that these people are on a alien planet getting attacked by bears isn't the only thing that makes this movie funny. The not-so-special effects add a surreal "Am I really seeing what I'm seeing shouldn't we be beyond this" kind of feel. Sean Patrick Flanery is suppose to be some kind of BADASS. This is indicated by a large scar that crosses the entirety of his chest. That means he's a tough dude. The scar however looks like a large amount of rolled up silly putty pressed upon his chest that hopefully wouldn't fall off during shooting. One guy gets his side torn off by a bear and you can see inside that his organs are made of cartoons that pulsate and move about like the inner workings of a clock. I can't do the head getting knocked off scene any justice. It needs to be seen to be believe.

This is a SCYFY original movie and they really out done themselves in the stupidity department. Everything they put out is so random. PYTHON VS. BOA, MONSTER ARK, ROCK MONSTER, FIRE DRAGON MONSTER THING, MOULON ROUGE the list goes on and on. I can only hope that one day they will put my two favorite SCYFY original monsters together in one movie. I think it will be called SASQUATCH VS CHUPACABRA. That's a prediction folks. Until then.

Love to all especially you,


Saturday, August 7, 2010


 Directed by a bottle of Mountain Dew, CRANK 2 begins where CRANK 1: THE SEARCH FOR MORE RED BULL left off with our hero Chev (Statham) falling from a helicopter, landing on a car, bouncing twenty feet into the air and pancaking himself on to the street dead......Dead? Wait a minute. How do you start a movie where the hero dies at the very beginning? How are the writers going to write their way out of this one? Well, before you can say WEEKEND AT BERNIES 3, the local Triads show up and scrape up baldo with a shovel and drive off with him in a van. Apparently not only did Chev not brake a single bone in his body but all his organs are in perfect working order too. Especially his heart.......His heart? Yea, the same one in part 1 that was poisoned not once, but twice. And there is no cure for. Its just fine now......The Triads come up with the brilliant idea to harvest his organs and give Chev's heart to an incredibly racist David Carradine. To keep Chev alive so that they can keep his other organs fresh they install a robot heart. Now through all of this Chev seems to be just fine. He just lies there and allows old ladies to stick thermometers up his yahoo until he over hears that the docs are going to take his wanker. Not caring for that idea so much Chev gets up kills a bunch of people, shoves a shotgun up some guy's butt and searches for the guy who stole his heart. And that's the basic premise of this movie. Oh, and some Latino gang is looking for him too for some reason.

But wait!!!!! In a surprise twist that no one could have seen coming Chev's robot heart begins to power down. You see robot hearts weren't made for long term use. So now he has to keep his heart fully charged all the time or die. How does he do that? By having sex with his girlfriend on a race track in the middle of a race in front of thousands of people, of course. Duh. The movie goes around trying to come up with extreme ways of charging the robot heart each time getting more and more extreme or ridiculous. I wasn't quite paying attention to one scene but I swear these bad guys were tazing his balls and they actually show his balls!!! A little something for the ladies if you are into that thing. AND I AM!!!!!

CRANK 2 is exactly the same as CRANK 1 but with everything from the first one taken to new heights of extreme and insane. The maturity level is so low that you would think that every radio shock jock in the country contributed one page to the script. The craziness never stops. I almost believed that Takashi Miike was directing this sucker. If you don't know who that is you probably shouldn't be reading this. Here is a list of things you will see in this movie. I'm doing this on memory so I will forget a lot of stuff. Open heart surgery used as an ash tray, shotguns up butts, boobs getting shot and deflating because the silicon leaks out, ferrets with big balls, Statham balls, a limo driver getting shot in the back by a machine gun and his intestines fall out for some reason, Mega-Statham-Zilla, Corey Haim, talking head in aquarium, porn stars on strike (and yes I did recognise all of them ), nipples on the floor,and a lot of dead strippers. That's just a few things in this movie. But here is the thing. Director Mountain Dew took all of these abstract elements and made a great movie. Its not only more extreme than the first one but it is also more badass than the first one. All the craziness works. The comedy works despite being tasteless and trash. There is never a dull moment. I was surprised to say the least. Its what I like to call a JASON KNIGHT APPROVED film. Beware! Though it was released in theatres this is not a main stream movie. Its a gross out high energy piece of art. CRANK 2 is very creative to say the least. A lot of what you see isn't meant to be taken literally. Its just there to be crazy fun. Besides the boobs shots I think my favorite scene is where we get to see Mega-Statham-Zilla. It needs to be seen to be believed. Definitely worth buying if you are sick in the head and have no girlfriend. If you did she would dump you for watching this sick crap.

Love to all, especially you.


Friday, August 6, 2010

Yes, I sat through FREEJACK!

When I was a boy I went to the movies and saw something that I don't remember. I'm trying to remember but the t.v. is playing Highlander which is a movie so bad it melts my brain. What? Change the channel you say? I would but in the relationship between me and the t.v........ Well, I'm the BITCH. It controls me so I will just have to tolerate it. I don't remember what I saw but I do remember seeing the trailer for Freejack. And I do remember thinking "BORING"!!!!! That was the last I saw anything about Freejack though I did think of it often. Strange. I always wondered if it would be any good. You never know especially with me because I think Episode I is awesome. How bad could it be. It has Mick Jagger and Anthony Hopkins in it. They wouldn't be in a cheesy, rip-off of Blade Runner, right? W-wrong!!!!

A Freejack in the movie Freejack is a person pulled from the past at the point of his known death and brought into the future to be taken over by the mind of the rich guy who paid for him. Unfortunately for all of us this Freejack happens to be Emilio Esteves. They should have called this movie BLANDJACK. (Damn you Highlander!!!!) Yes, there was a time back in the day before Emilio was getting elevator shafts slammed down his face that he was considered a leading man. This movie proved otherwise. Emilio has no screen presence in this film at all. He tries to be a normal guy reacting to the shock of waking up in the future trying to figure out what just happened to him. Instead what we get is a stale, animated saltine cracker of a performance that drags and drags and drags. Mick Jagger comes along to keep the story moving by chasing him down with an army of soldiers in pink and blue armored trucks.(Gotta love the 80's) But I can't tell if he is a good actor or RockStar actor. He is suppose to deliver Freejack to the rich guy that bought him. Oh, and Renee Russo is in this movie too. I don't want to be cruel so I will just say that "Renee Russo is in this movie" and I will leave it at that. Even when she is young she looks old.

According to Freejack in the year 2009 there will only be the extremely rich and the poor, everything is polluted and the rich will drive around a variety of colorful dildos. I know you think I'm kidding but you don't know jack about Freejack. (That was Highlander talking again. Sorry.) The entire film looks generic with a bunch of generic sci-fi ideas crammed into a generic script that never fleshes out any of the relationships contained within. Emilio is a generic actor that temporarily reverts back to Billy the Kid his best role ever. I guess they couldn't afford Charlie. Freejack's design and look is a cross between an Italian rip-off of Blade Runner(If one ever existed) and Lawnmower Man. Wait until you see the extreme computer generated mind warp that goes on for ten minutes. Your suppose to think "Awesome" but all that you can think about is how close the bathroom is so you can smash your face into the toilet. Also the future has a "blue-ish" sleep inducing look to it. Message to all directors out there. If you make your movie look "blue-ish". You will put the audience to sleep. You are not being unique or stylish. See Underworld Trilogy for example. Color, People! Keeps things stimulating. Not much else to say. Anthony Hopkins appears at the end for the "Big Reveal" which is so obvious that if you don't see it coming then you shouldn't be reading this. Its suppose to be an action movie too but the action is poorly filmed and cannot generate any sense of excitement. Who cares if Emilio dies. Why don't you just leave him in the past with his impossible high flying car that is attracted to low lying bridges. All I can say in closing is that 2009 is going to be one crap-tacular year.

Here's looking to 2010.


Use your imaginations people!!!!

Thursday, August 5, 2010

I AM LEGEND: A Movie You Like But Really You Don't

I know you think this movie is great. It has Will Smith who is a good actor with a strong screen presence. It has special effects and a dog. The idea of being the last person alive on the planet is intriguing. But deep down inside in your heart of hearts something doesn't feel right, does it? There is a part of you that feels unfulfilled. Why? It has Will Smith fighting vampires. There's your money's worth, right? At least that is what happens in the book. But why doesn't anything happen in the movie? If you were truly honest with yourself you would strongly dislike this movie. If you were me you would hate it, and probably kill yourself because of your raging manic depression.

Do not get I AM LEGEND the movie confused with I AM LEGEND the book. The two are completely unrelated except for maybe a name or two. The book is about the last man on earth, Robert Neville, who is just a regular guy that happens to be immune to a virus that killed everyone and brought them back as blood sucking vampires. Also known as Democrats. (HA! HA! That's a joke. I am wildly political in my reviews. That's cool, right?.......Whoops. Sorry won't happen again.) He spends his days in his neighborhood somewhere in California pissed off, killing sleeping vampires and simply surviving. The guy has a real attitude problem when it comes to vamps. At night he defends his home from the thousands of monsters that surround his fortified home. The irony of the book is that Robert Neville is the monster to the vampires. They are afraid of him. Its a simple concept yet intelligent. The ending really makes you think. The book delivers on the vampire killing which is why you read a book like this in the first place. Great stuff.

The movie however is about an actor named Will Smith who is in a movie that tries to be a statement about 9-11. Will is in New York because that is "ground zero" of the virus outbreak. Wouldn't it be better to live in an area where there isn't so many things trying to kill you? I don't think anybody will care about your 9-11 metaphor. Everybody is dead. He is a scientist that is trying to find a cure for the virus that I think he created but isn't there a interview with someone else who is credited for curing cancer? Isn't that what caused all this in the first place? I don't remember I only saw this sucker once in the theater. Apparently the virus didn't turn people into vampires. Instead everyone changed into Harry Potter Special Effects cartoons. He calls them "Dark Seekers".(Or something similar to that.) I guess he thinks that is a more scientific name because calling them vampires is too stupid. Everyone knows vampires don't exist. DuH!

The movie starts off well enough with the t.v. interview at the beginning letting everyone know what caused the outbreak followed by Will Smith driving fast and ignoring the rules of the road in downtown New York just like the Fresh Prince would have done if he were the last homey on Earth. He is hunting a deer. In New York!?! That's Crazy,Yo! His dog chases one into a building and Will has to go in and get him. This is the only time any sense of tension or horror is established in the movie. Shortly after we see a "Dark Seeker" all rules of reality are thrown out the window. Its a cartoon eating a deer. This is where all the craptacularness begins. This movie has more to do with Who Framed Roger Rabbit? than it does I Am Legend. Actually they look more like left over mummies they couldn't use in the MUMMY movies. Why are there mummies in my vampire movie? What the heckola would a mummy do to Will Smith anyway? Maybe they can teach him how to "wrap". Get it? "Wrap"..........Really? I got nothing from that?

Nothing happens in this movie. That means its "smart". If you notice most films that are considered "smart" are boring and plot less. See Raging Bull as an example. I don't care what anybody says. That movie sucked. In the book Neville is pissed off all the time and really horny. In the movie Neville cries alot (That means there is "Drama") and wanders the city hitting on dummies he set up in stores to pretend he is living in a normal human populated world. He needs something to do to keep himself from going crazy. Uh, here is a suggestion. Maybe instead of wasting precious minutes of screen time renting Shrek for the billionth time, maybe you should kill some vampires so we the audience can be entertained. I didn't pay eight bucks to see you "get it on" with a mannequin. I don't need to see my porn collection re-enacted on the big screen.

As a whole the film is a mish-mash of watered down bad ideas. When the two humans show up the horror of being the last man on earth is DJJAZZYJEFFed out the door. The fact that there is a cure betrays all the bleakness and impending doom the setting is suppose to inspire. The story is not suppose to be about finding a cure. Read the freakin book! But that's Hollywood for you. It needs a plot people can related to. The ending cannot be smart. It needs big special cartoon effects like a summer blockbuster. It needs explosions. Nothing comes together well or makes any sense. There is a scene where Neville captures a female mummy and a male mummy jumps out into the sun and gets his face fried a little. The audience sees the anger in his face. We see that the mummy has human emotions like love and is willing to die trying to rescue his companion. Neville the scientist, the smart guy sees MUMMY=STUPID. That's clearly not the intent of the scene. Even when they set up a trap for him and out smart him he seems not to notice their intelligence.

In conclusion I Am Legend the movie is an A-List, boring, soulless studio project that tries to cry itself into the admiration of the uptight film critic. By making it less about vampires and more about standing and talking I Am Legend seems to be about winning an Academy Award. That would also explain why it was released in December where a lot of films that are in the running for the Academy's are shown. Its not scary. It has nothing to do with the book. So why call it I Am Legend? I would have called it THE FRESH PRINCE MEETS THE MUMMIES.

I think you guys should be proud of me for in this day and age not mentioning Twilight in this review. Also I know that by bringing that up I have voided the previous sentence I just wrote before this one.

As always love to all especially you,


Monday, August 2, 2010

First time Blogger.

This is my first blog-dealy-thing. I have no idea what I am doing and will be experimenting with this blog for a bit. And no that is not a picture of me. Computers and blogging are scary to me but I get bored. Blogging my opinions with misspelled words and grammatical errors seems to be the best way to spend my time.  So here I go.