UMUSTBEBORED: DEADLY PREY: RAMBO MEETS SHORT-SHORTS or LOL the Movie

I like the red grenade on the front. Have you ever seen a red grenade before?

What is Deadly Prey? Take the script from Rambo and have a fifth grader completely rewrite it. Then add enough steroids to make baseball interesting and you have DEADLY PREY. Whoever made this movie knew nothing of weapons or military or survival but they knew that Rambo was awesome. The idea was to make a Rambo style movie but this time it was going to be darker, more violent and extreme with a higher body count and short-shorts. Instead what was created was the greatest worst movie ever. The action isn't action. Everyone uses their weapons like a kid would instead of how a well trained solider would.(Lets hold our guns at crotch level when we shoot. We don't need our balls.) I cannot convey with simple words how stupid this movie is. I don't know where to start. Where to begin?

So the main character, Danton Mike Danton, is an ex-super secret special forces, ex-green beret, ex-rock front man ( I am assuming he was in a band based upon his mullet) who is kidnapped and taken to a "secret" base 75 miles east of L.A. (Thank you movie for being so specific. We really needed to know that.) where mercenaries train by hunting fat accountants. Because that's the best way to become an elite super solider.....Right? The main bad guy who runs the camp is also Danton Mike Danton's former special forces trainer. His name is Hogan. Danton Mike Danton turns the tables on the hunters who hunt him to become THE DEADLY PREY........Who cares?

None of this is interesting. The reason why you watch a movie like this is for the WANNABE vibe this movie puts out. For the most part this entire movie is just a rip-off of the stealth kill parts from the Rambo movies. For two hours basically all you see is an oily man in short-shorts pop out of grass and trees and water and dirt stabbing people with sticks and saying clever one-liners like "YOU'RE DEAD" before he stabs them with the before mentioned sticks. My favorite kill is the first kill where the mercs pass Danton Mike Danton leaving one straggler behind. Our hero emerges from his amazing super cool hiding spot killing the straggler with the biggest log he could find. Its huge and unnecessary. Did it really need to be that big? Did Danton Mike Danton really need to use the entire forest on one guy? Calm down movie....Geeze.

Oh did I mention that Danton Mike Danton has a wife whose dad is a retired cop? The wife is kidnapped later too and eventually is raped by Hogan (Isn't that darker than Rambo?) and then killed near the end of the movie. Even though all of that sounds horrible in sentence form its actually hilarious in movie form. Her dad the cop played by Cameron Mitchell goes looking for Danton Mike Danton. His daughter tells him three numbers of the license plate and what color the van was that kidnapped her husband. That's all. She really wasn't even sure about the numbers she gave him and I think she got the color wrong too. Doesn't matter Cameron Mitchell is an excellent cop. Based on said information he is able to track the van all the way out to the middle of nowhere.....How? He discovers an evil business man funds the merc training camp. So the cop plays dead in the middle of the road where the "evil" business man stops to help. Why would an evil business man stop to help? He is evil. Why would a cop think he would stop and do something nice? Cameron gets up, gives a speech about scum and shoots the "evil" business man. Then Cameron gets caught. He is taken back to camp where he is shot by Hogan. Thank you Hogan.

Danton Mike Danton takes on a tank, a helicopter, two hundred mercs, hunger, the environment and nothing can stop him. Except for two hillbillies who find him sleeping. They tell him not to move or else "We will fill your butt up with so much buckshot....." They are good guys so they don't shoot him. Bad guys show up and shoot them though. In fact I think everybody gets shot, stabbed, blown up, or beaten with their own chopped off arm. That's how hardcore this movie is....Hardcore may not be the best word to use. I could go on and on. The only real point to this rambling review is that this movie is a wannabe to a much superior film. Yet this movie is watchable in a wonderfully bad way. I think I saw Danton Mike Danton's balls a couple of times too. Yummy. I highly recommend. Warning: DO NOT WATCH SOBER!!!! Check out the six minute fan made trailer on youtube to fully understand how funny this movie is.