Saturday, August 7, 2010


 Directed by a bottle of Mountain Dew, CRANK 2 begins where CRANK 1: THE SEARCH FOR MORE RED BULL left off with our hero Chev (Statham) falling from a helicopter, landing on a car, bouncing twenty feet into the air and pancaking himself on to the street dead......Dead? Wait a minute. How do you start a movie where the hero dies at the very beginning? How are the writers going to write their way out of this one? Well, before you can say WEEKEND AT BERNIES 3, the local Triads show up and scrape up baldo with a shovel and drive off with him in a van. Apparently not only did Chev not brake a single bone in his body but all his organs are in perfect working order too. Especially his heart.......His heart? Yea, the same one in part 1 that was poisoned not once, but twice. And there is no cure for. Its just fine now......The Triads come up with the brilliant idea to harvest his organs and give Chev's heart to an incredibly racist David Carradine. To keep Chev alive so that they can keep his other organs fresh they install a robot heart. Now through all of this Chev seems to be just fine. He just lies there and allows old ladies to stick thermometers up his yahoo until he over hears that the docs are going to take his wanker. Not caring for that idea so much Chev gets up kills a bunch of people, shoves a shotgun up some guy's butt and searches for the guy who stole his heart. And that's the basic premise of this movie. Oh, and some Latino gang is looking for him too for some reason.

But wait!!!!! In a surprise twist that no one could have seen coming Chev's robot heart begins to power down. You see robot hearts weren't made for long term use. So now he has to keep his heart fully charged all the time or die. How does he do that? By having sex with his girlfriend on a race track in the middle of a race in front of thousands of people, of course. Duh. The movie goes around trying to come up with extreme ways of charging the robot heart each time getting more and more extreme or ridiculous. I wasn't quite paying attention to one scene but I swear these bad guys were tazing his balls and they actually show his balls!!! A little something for the ladies if you are into that thing. AND I AM!!!!!

CRANK 2 is exactly the same as CRANK 1 but with everything from the first one taken to new heights of extreme and insane. The maturity level is so low that you would think that every radio shock jock in the country contributed one page to the script. The craziness never stops. I almost believed that Takashi Miike was directing this sucker. If you don't know who that is you probably shouldn't be reading this. Here is a list of things you will see in this movie. I'm doing this on memory so I will forget a lot of stuff. Open heart surgery used as an ash tray, shotguns up butts, boobs getting shot and deflating because the silicon leaks out, ferrets with big balls, Statham balls, a limo driver getting shot in the back by a machine gun and his intestines fall out for some reason, Mega-Statham-Zilla, Corey Haim, talking head in aquarium, porn stars on strike (and yes I did recognise all of them ), nipples on the floor,and a lot of dead strippers. That's just a few things in this movie. But here is the thing. Director Mountain Dew took all of these abstract elements and made a great movie. Its not only more extreme than the first one but it is also more badass than the first one. All the craziness works. The comedy works despite being tasteless and trash. There is never a dull moment. I was surprised to say the least. Its what I like to call a JASON KNIGHT APPROVED film. Beware! Though it was released in theatres this is not a main stream movie. Its a gross out high energy piece of art. CRANK 2 is very creative to say the least. A lot of what you see isn't meant to be taken literally. Its just there to be crazy fun. Besides the boobs shots I think my favorite scene is where we get to see Mega-Statham-Zilla. It needs to be seen to be believed. Definitely worth buying if you are sick in the head and have no girlfriend. If you did she would dump you for watching this sick crap.

Love to all, especially you.


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