Monday, August 30, 2010


TRAINS GONE WILD....I mean UNSTOPPABLE won't be out until November but I feel compelled to write a full review before it comes out.  No, I haven't seen this movie yet. But come on!  Look at the trailer!  Its about a train that can't stop.  That's it.  There are guys with machine guns trying to gun down a train.  It's not alive!  This, ladies and gentlemen, is the dumbest movie ever made.  You may call it being judgemental but I call it..........being judgemental I guess.

So Denzel Washington and the alternate universe Capt. Kirk are guys who drive trains.  Not very exciting.  But these guys drive these suckers like they are going to war.  "This isn't training. In training you fail you get an F.  Here you fail you die."  That is pretty serious.  Honestly I think Denzel was watching Deadliest Catch the night before and now he thinks his job is as hazardous as crabbing.  You are on a train.  It goes forward.  That's it.

How do you make a train movie interesting?  Well you take a bad train and load it up with all kinds of crazy dangerous crap.  This train carries dangerous toxic chemicals that can wipe out all life for thousands of miles.  But I am sure it also carries nukes, biological weapons, and a copy of Eat, Pray and Love just to make things interesting.  Make the train go really fast and cause a situation to where nobody in the world can stop it.  I bet the conductor has a heart attack and falls on a switch that causes the train to go wild.  What?  Still not interested?  Okay, then have another train and put it on the same rails and send it towards the oncoming crazy train.  This is the nice train.  The nice train has school kids going on a field trip and probably nuns, Toys for Tots and the guy who invented the Care Bears.  So we got to save that train too.  Since when do kids take a train to a field trip?  Kids take a bus.  But they already made a bus going fast movie, didn't they.

Here's a question?  Why not radio the nice train's conductor and tell him to stop the train and get everyone off and then back up and go the opposite direction?  But we can't have that.  Only Denzel and Capt. Kirk can stop it.  That's what we want to see.  Not me.  I want to see the stupid situations that require people to get stuck on the rails.  Oh, no my car has stalled on the tracks.  Uh-Oh, here comes a train!  SMASH!  I've fallen and I can't get up from these rails. Uh-Oh , here comes a train!  SQUISH!  There is a spider on one side of the tracks, a mime on the other and me in the middle. What do I do?  Uh-Oh, here comes a train!  STUPID!

Helicopters make an appearance to up the spectacle.  Obviously they try to drop a train conductor on the train which makes sense.  Something will go wrong and it won't work so instead of trying it again they just don't.  That makes sense. Right?  The best idea in my opinion is the "Charlton Heston Solution".  "There is an out of control train with all kinds of dangerous stuff on it heading this way.  What do we do?"  "LET'S SHOOT IT!"

Is there anything we haven't seen in this movie?  It's got two guys who don't take crap from anybody (probably because this movie was originally written as a buddy cop movie.  I'm only guessing though) but one is old and one is young.  The old guy takes the new guy under his wing in an uncomfortable tough love kind of way because he sees himself in the new guy when he was young.  There are scenes where we meet the families of the two so we can sympathise with them and have emotional investment in the boring made for t.v. characters.  I hope you guys like a lot of talk because that's what you are going to get in this "fast, intense, roller coaster ride" of a movie. Is this some kind of homage to the really boring action movies of the 1990's?  I feel like this is an updated version of Armageddon or Speed.  There was a lot of talk and zero action in those movies too.  I feel like Kevin Costner and Ashton Kutcher should be starring in this movie instead of Denzel and Alt. Capt. Kirk.  This could be the sequel to the Guardian.

I bet Denzel dies at the end.  He pushes Kirk off at the last minute to save his life.  Only he can navigate the train to a place safe enough to explode and not kill millions of people.  Sounds a little too much like Armageddon to me.

What do I know?  I really can't know if the movie is bad until I see it.  This movie could be a complete surprise.  Maybe the train is a Transformer.  Now that's a movie!  Let us be positive.  This will be a great movie.  It's not in 3-D at least.  I could like this movie. Perhaps even love this movie.  Maybe I am wrong. 

I'm not though.


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