Thursday, August 5, 2010

I AM LEGEND: A Movie You Like But Really You Don't

I know you think this movie is great. It has Will Smith who is a good actor with a strong screen presence. It has special effects and a dog. The idea of being the last person alive on the planet is intriguing. But deep down inside in your heart of hearts something doesn't feel right, does it? There is a part of you that feels unfulfilled. Why? It has Will Smith fighting vampires. There's your money's worth, right? At least that is what happens in the book. But why doesn't anything happen in the movie? If you were truly honest with yourself you would strongly dislike this movie. If you were me you would hate it, and probably kill yourself because of your raging manic depression.

Do not get I AM LEGEND the movie confused with I AM LEGEND the book. The two are completely unrelated except for maybe a name or two. The book is about the last man on earth, Robert Neville, who is just a regular guy that happens to be immune to a virus that killed everyone and brought them back as blood sucking vampires. Also known as Democrats. (HA! HA! That's a joke. I am wildly political in my reviews. That's cool, right?.......Whoops. Sorry won't happen again.) He spends his days in his neighborhood somewhere in California pissed off, killing sleeping vampires and simply surviving. The guy has a real attitude problem when it comes to vamps. At night he defends his home from the thousands of monsters that surround his fortified home. The irony of the book is that Robert Neville is the monster to the vampires. They are afraid of him. Its a simple concept yet intelligent. The ending really makes you think. The book delivers on the vampire killing which is why you read a book like this in the first place. Great stuff.

The movie however is about an actor named Will Smith who is in a movie that tries to be a statement about 9-11. Will is in New York because that is "ground zero" of the virus outbreak. Wouldn't it be better to live in an area where there isn't so many things trying to kill you? I don't think anybody will care about your 9-11 metaphor. Everybody is dead. He is a scientist that is trying to find a cure for the virus that I think he created but isn't there a interview with someone else who is credited for curing cancer? Isn't that what caused all this in the first place? I don't remember I only saw this sucker once in the theater. Apparently the virus didn't turn people into vampires. Instead everyone changed into Harry Potter Special Effects cartoons. He calls them "Dark Seekers".(Or something similar to that.) I guess he thinks that is a more scientific name because calling them vampires is too stupid. Everyone knows vampires don't exist. DuH!

The movie starts off well enough with the t.v. interview at the beginning letting everyone know what caused the outbreak followed by Will Smith driving fast and ignoring the rules of the road in downtown New York just like the Fresh Prince would have done if he were the last homey on Earth. He is hunting a deer. In New York!?! That's Crazy,Yo! His dog chases one into a building and Will has to go in and get him. This is the only time any sense of tension or horror is established in the movie. Shortly after we see a "Dark Seeker" all rules of reality are thrown out the window. Its a cartoon eating a deer. This is where all the craptacularness begins. This movie has more to do with Who Framed Roger Rabbit? than it does I Am Legend. Actually they look more like left over mummies they couldn't use in the MUMMY movies. Why are there mummies in my vampire movie? What the heckola would a mummy do to Will Smith anyway? Maybe they can teach him how to "wrap". Get it? "Wrap"..........Really? I got nothing from that?

Nothing happens in this movie. That means its "smart". If you notice most films that are considered "smart" are boring and plot less. See Raging Bull as an example. I don't care what anybody says. That movie sucked. In the book Neville is pissed off all the time and really horny. In the movie Neville cries alot (That means there is "Drama") and wanders the city hitting on dummies he set up in stores to pretend he is living in a normal human populated world. He needs something to do to keep himself from going crazy. Uh, here is a suggestion. Maybe instead of wasting precious minutes of screen time renting Shrek for the billionth time, maybe you should kill some vampires so we the audience can be entertained. I didn't pay eight bucks to see you "get it on" with a mannequin. I don't need to see my porn collection re-enacted on the big screen.

As a whole the film is a mish-mash of watered down bad ideas. When the two humans show up the horror of being the last man on earth is DJJAZZYJEFFed out the door. The fact that there is a cure betrays all the bleakness and impending doom the setting is suppose to inspire. The story is not suppose to be about finding a cure. Read the freakin book! But that's Hollywood for you. It needs a plot people can related to. The ending cannot be smart. It needs big special cartoon effects like a summer blockbuster. It needs explosions. Nothing comes together well or makes any sense. There is a scene where Neville captures a female mummy and a male mummy jumps out into the sun and gets his face fried a little. The audience sees the anger in his face. We see that the mummy has human emotions like love and is willing to die trying to rescue his companion. Neville the scientist, the smart guy sees MUMMY=STUPID. That's clearly not the intent of the scene. Even when they set up a trap for him and out smart him he seems not to notice their intelligence.

In conclusion I Am Legend the movie is an A-List, boring, soulless studio project that tries to cry itself into the admiration of the uptight film critic. By making it less about vampires and more about standing and talking I Am Legend seems to be about winning an Academy Award. That would also explain why it was released in December where a lot of films that are in the running for the Academy's are shown. Its not scary. It has nothing to do with the book. So why call it I Am Legend? I would have called it THE FRESH PRINCE MEETS THE MUMMIES.

I think you guys should be proud of me for in this day and age not mentioning Twilight in this review. Also I know that by bringing that up I have voided the previous sentence I just wrote before this one.

As always love to all especially you,



  1. lol, no comments, I wonder why? unfortunately I read you post and it was so incredibly stupid I was just going to let it pass but I figured what the hell? Open your closed mind! You might think its open because you're so incredibly narcissistic, but really its quite shut. Take things for what they are not the illusion of what you think they should be! If you are under the age of 18 I sincerely apologize I just thought I'd comment because I was looking for movies similar to I am legend and I found your post insulting and ignorant. Anyway hope this helps you :)

  2. Notice the guy who wrote the comment must be a democrat because he is anonymous.

  3. Ok troll, how is his review stupid? Just because he doesn't like the movie? Because he has standards and doesn't like every piece of shit that limps over to him?

    Jason is right. The CGI is embarrassing for 1999, much less 2007. The monsters look like Looney Tunes rejects. That alone derails the whole thing. How is there supposed to be any tension when I don't believe the threat? It's not like they keep them to the shadows either. They have a proud close-up in daylight to show just how bad they are.

    And they completely ruined the whole point of the story. For one, he isn't the last man alive. By the end, you see there are tons of survivors, which is just what you'd expect from a Hollywood film. That and EXPLOSIONS! Our ending sucks? EXPLOSION!!!!!! That has to be gold, right? And of course, they didn't even understand what the title of the book really meant. Neville never realized he's the monster. In fact, the movie says it's ok since he found a cure... so the end justifies the means even if you're torturing another intelligent race that you don't see as human! Hello history: great message! And despite all the obvious signs, he never seemed to understand that the creatures he's experimenting on are smart, which makes him stupid when the audience is ten steps ahead of him. Plus, the butterfly bit is annoying, trite, and obvious.

    Will Smith is a good actor but the CGI itself kills the entire film, and it's only getting worse with age.

  4. I feel like special attention should be called to the alternate ending. It doesn't make the film good or fix all the problems. But it shows that someone on that set read the film. Someone wanted to inject an ounce of soul into the film, and then someone else Rated V for Very Important cut that scene out because it was bumming him out that Will Smith was by any measure some how not the more pure of good guys.