Monday, February 28, 2011

CYBORG 3 more like "SIGH"-BORG 3

How is this for a plot synopsis?  CYBORG 3 is about some guy we never see because he is dead who banged some robot that looks like a woman and the robot gets pregnant.  That is probably the stupidest thing I have ever heard.  Just look at Malcom McDowell on the cover there.  He looks just as confused as I am.  Maybe he is more confused about the cover where it states "STARRING MALCOM McDOWELL".  Yea, that is a bunch of "durka-durka".  He is in the movie for about three minutes of screen time at the beginning and then he dies.  CYBORG 3 is the little movie that tried but failed.  Here is a little life lesson for you, CYBORG 3.  The road to failure is called TRYING.

CYBORG 3 is the bold and daring story of a woman robot (some chick from HEAD OF THE CLASS) who is pregnant and is trying to get to a robot "paradise" called CY-TOWN where she can have her robo-baby in peace.  Remember that kid (Zach Galligan) who was the main character in GREMLINS.  Yea, he stars in this sucker too.  He is a robot designer who helps her get to CY-TOWN.  Hot on their heels is Anton played by Richard Lynch (who is great in everything he does) and his robot muscle bound henchman who looks like the son of Robert Z'Dar.(That big dude with the even bigger chin that got electrocuted in TANGO & CASH) 

I feel kind of bad for picking on such a low budget poorly made film that only made it to Pay Per-View back in the early nineties.  I can't help it though.  This movie needs to be kicked to the ground and have it's milk money stolen.  Why?  Because the movie doesn't know what a cyborg is.  A cyborg is part human and part robot.  Examples include Robocop, Darth Vader, Jason X and me when I accidentally got my foot stuck in a toaster.  I'm not anymore though.  For a short time I had the strength of a full grown man and a toaster until it fell off.  In CYBORG 3 however cyborgs are just robots that look like people.  It kind of bothered me that people were killing robots and they constantly referred to them as cyborgs.  CY-TOWN is short for CYBORG TOWN (get it?) but there are only broken down robots.  There are cyborgs in this movie like Malcom McDowell with his robot arm and Richard Lynch has a robot eye but I do believe they are considered just human.  It doesn't make any sense.

CY-TOWN is suppose to be this hard to find city that is out in the middle of nowhere.  Those who have found it never lived to tell about it.  Anton speaks about it like its the freakin fountain of youth.  Its so hard to find that our heroes found it in two minutes roaming the desert.  Way to go CYBORG 3!  The great and mysterious CY-TOWN is a couple of shacks in the desert.  Big whoop.  That is what they call a city in the future, I guess.  Its a major let down, folks.  What is not a let down is William Katt.  He plays a C-3PO kind of robot.  If you don't know who Willian Katt is then I recommend you go out and buy every season of THE GREATEST AMERICAN HERO to get yourself educated in awesome-superocity.  Honestly he doesn't do much but he is such a delight to see on screen.  He will always be my "greatest American hero".  CY-TOWN is populated with broken down robots that the robot designer repairs to help fight an army of robot hunters.  These robots are young looking dudes who looked like they spent their teenage years in the eighties listening to Butt-Rock bands like POISON and MOTLEY CREW and participated  in a lot of backyard wrestling.  These guys try so hard to be tough but all they do is complain and you find yourself rooting for the bad guys. 

The end fight is so wonderfully awful and embarrassing to watch.  If you were watching this in your room by yourself and your friends walked in you would trash the t.v. trying to turn it off.  Your friends would be like "Ha-Ha!  You were watching porn!" and you would be like "Yes.  Yes I was".  You wouldn't dare admit to watching CYBORG 3.  That's the kind of shame that never goes away.  The final fight is a bunch of poorly strung together action moments that try to be badass but deliver unintentional laughs. There is a lot of motorcycles jumping around and some explosions.  This good guy robot has no hands so he asks the designer to make his hands guns.  Yea, that's cool right?  There is a problem that is never addressed in the film.  How do you reload, genius?  Of course there is another guy who watched too much HIGHLANDER.  He runs around with a samurai sword (of course) but he barely uses it.  He does the twirly stuff with it but then he stabs it into the ceiling and takes down a couple of guys with his hands and then he pulls it down to cut off some mannequin's  head that just appeared out of nowhere.  The whole finale is weak sauce with an abrupt Dire Straits MONEY FOR NOTHING music video style robo-baby appearing ending.  Its weird looking and hard to explain but you are just thankful that the movie is over.

As bad as this movie is there was strong potential for CYBORG 3 to be a cult classic.  The start of the movie focuses on Richard Lynch's character hunting robots and selling them to Malcom McDowell.  Richard is a fantastic actor and he brings some weight to this film that instantly disappears the second he is not on screen.  For a moment I thought maybe the whole movie would be about him.  That would be awesome.  He is the kind of badass villain we want to see carry the story and develop some kind of character arch.  But instead we have to deal with boring people that act as our heroes but bring nothing of interest to the standard stock characters that populate most low budget sci-fi-direct-to-Pay-Per-View movies from the nineties.  Obviously budget does not make a film good.  Most of the time its the imagination and talent to bring a vision to life that makes a movie good.....Or boobs.  CYBORG 3 does have some boobs in it.  So yea, its a good movie.

Watch it on Netflix, folks.


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