Friday, May 27, 2011


FEAST 2: SLOPPY SECONDS (Oh, Ha-Ha.  Now I get it!) dares to ask the question "Why did the A-holes cross the road?"  That's the plot, folks.  A bunch of people you hate try to cross a street to take shelter in a police station from monsters that have large wieners.  So hilarious.  Now a word of warning.  I am probably going to use a lot of references to words like puke, vomit, and poo-poo.  Please don't take my poor use of the English language to describe this stupid movie as a measure of my maturity.  I'm usually more dignified than this.  Just don't read anymore reviews from me so that the last sentence I wrote remain true.

Back during the third season of PROJECT GREENLIGHT I was rooting for John Gulager to win the director spot and make the first FEAST movie.  He was a likable guy who had a unique eye for the camera.  Gulager made a great B-Movie Creature Feature.  FEAST part 1 was a fun gory mess of a good time.  The movie played with the stereo-types unafraid to kill off the main characters right away to throw the movie into a somewhat unpredictable chaos.  It did alot of things right including killing off Jason Mewes as fast as possible so we didn't have to suffer through his "I'm going to take this acting gig seriously " phase.  I love monster movies and this one was surprisingly good even though the PROJECT GREENLIGHT made it seem like the movie would be complete crap.  So of course I was excited that two more FEASTs were being made.  Boy was I stupid.  Well, I guess according to most I still am.

FEAST 2 is vile.  I mean it is completely putrid.  I mean if you could take puke and string it into film and thread it through a film projector and project it onto a screen the result would be FEAST 2: SLOPPY SECONDS.  The movie takes gross out humor and tries to shove it down your throat through your eyes until you gag and throw up too.  About half way through this film you begin to realize that alot of scenes seem to go on forever.  There is a five minute or more dream sequence about the dude who gets puked on in the first film.  Its just him dancing around and getting all maggoty again.  It doesn't do anything except pad out the film.  Another scene has our characters gathered around a dead monster.  For no reason this guy goes "We need to study it" and then for the next ten minutes he continually pokes and prods it. Each time the result is the dead thing pissing and squirting slime all over the cast.  AND HE DOESN'T STOP!  Of course none of them move either.  Again its just padding.  The movie never goes anywhere.  You start to understand that the whole movie is a poor excuse for piss and poop jokes.  Sigh.....

I kept expecting the movie to get better.  I thought maybe I could enjoy the movie on some kind of stupid campy bad monster movie level but then the movie decided to suck all the fun out.  I'm talking about the baby getting throw up in the air and landing on the pavement and while still barely alive gets eaten by the monster scene.  I'm sorry but I was offended.  You hear that?  I WAS OFFENDED!  That doesn't happen too often, folks.  Now I am not going to go out and petition Washington to create more laws to prevent me from being offended by something I saw in the movies.  I'm all for freedom.  All I am saying is that it was cruel and unnecessary and it ruined the tone of the film.  The movie lost the potential of being   fun.  After I saw that I not only lost interest in the movie but I hated it.  You know the makers of this film thought the baby hitting the pavement would be the funniest thing since Larry the Cable Idiot.  This movie too often rubs are noses into the cruelty.  One of the more sympathetic characters (of course you know that means she is going to die as horribly as possible) is a grandma that is slowly being eaten away by monster bile.  For some reason (which I can't remember because this movie sucks) they put her on a catapult ( I am not making this up) and shoot her across the street where she smashes into a wall and dies.  Of course she doesn't die right away so we can see her suffer a little before she dies.  That's funny?

FEAST part 2 threw out the smarter elements of FEAST part 1 and focused entirely on the toilet humor.  The movie isn't fun.  Its a boring unpleasant experience.  Gulager shows us how important (sometimes) studio execs and producers are when it comes to wrangling in their director.  Left on his own Gulager makes crap.  His imagination is limited to the obscene and adolescent.  His kind of imagination is easy to predict.  I'll prove it.  I haven't seen FEAST part 3 (just take my word for it, people) but I can already tell you what happens in it because of one scene involving a cat getting raped and immediately giving birth to a monster.  Now how are they going to top that?  I bet some poor woman gets raped in the third movie and gives birth to a monster too because that would be so "hilarious"!  What a piece of crap.  Here is something to consider.  Gulager is directing the sequel to PIRANHA 3D.  How do you think he is going to top the floating penis getting regurgitated and then consumed again by the piranhas scene?  Its a scary thought, isn't it?


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