Thursday, September 15, 2011

CREATURE (2011) Not really a creature feature. More like a tasteless episode of HEE-HAW!

CREATURE is a film that I was rooting for.  I love a good monster movie.  Actually they are my favorite kind of horror movie.  The movie bombed big time and I realized that it was up to me to let everyone know how awesome this movie was.  I figured that because the movie wasn't in 3D that people decided what's the point.  I knew in my heart of hearts that this was going to be a good one.  People just didn't understand.  Well people, you were right.  CREATURE sucked.  The kills are weak, the editing is confusing and overall the whole movie is hard to follow and just plain doesn't make any sense.  Worst of all it really isn't a creature feature.

The story revolves around six twenty somethings driving through Louisiana going somewhere from some place.  The movie doesn't explain any of that.  Some of them are couples and others are brothers and sisters.  Don't ask me which ones are which because the movie confused me as to what their relationships were to each other.  The group of good looking people stop at the local hillbilly convenience store where they learn about Lock-Jaw or Gator-Face or whatever they call the monster.  I forget.  The film had a hard time keeping my attention.  I am just going to call him Creature.  So our heroes decide to check out the house the monster lived in back in the olden days.  Little do they know that the locals have plans of their own.  Not nice plans I assure you.  In fact they are rather gross plans.

This is why CREATURE isn't really a creature feature.  We learn that Creature was a man who was going to marry his sister (because that is what hillbillies do according to the movies) but she gets eaten by an albino alligator so he eats the alligator and magically becomes Creature.  And he can live forever apparently because that stuff happened probably a hundred years ago or so.  That is probably the worst story I have ever heard.  The male hillbillies lure their female hillbillies into the swamp every so often to get "banged" by Creature for some reason.  Apparently they worship him as their god and he gives them stuff or something.  The movie doesn't explain.  Maybe if I worship Bigfoot he will give me a new xbox.  You see CREATURE is more like WRONG TURN or THE HILLS HAVE EYES or something.  These kinds of movies always try to shock the audience with rape and incest.  I like my monster movies to keep the sex out of it please.  Its unnecessary and gross.  Nowadays that kind of subject matter is always included in backwoods horror movies.  Its nothing new or shocking.  This movie even has a scene where a girl is tied to a chair.  Haven't seen that before!  Sid Haig cuts her foot off for some reason.  Guess what.  The movie doesn't explain that either.  At first I thought it had to do with the girl at the beginning of the movie who gets her legs eaten off by a random gator.  Maybe Creature needs the feet off for some bizarre reason but no, it has nothing to do with anything in this film.  It is just something the writers wrote to make the scene more disturbing.  All it did was make the whole scene more stupid.

The editing is wonked.  There is a lot of questionable cuts in this film.  One of the best examples is near the end when Eggs from THE TRUE BLOOD is running in between a crowd of hillbillies trying to save his girlfriend when all of the sudden he is hit to the ground by Creature.  Where did he come from?  He just magically appears in the middle of a crowd of "hill people" who may or may not be afraid of Creature.  Also I get the impression that Creature is everywhere all at once.  One scene he is eating some local and the next he is already watching the kids make camp far away with not much time passing.  He travels fast is all I am saying.  I think most of the forgettable kills are done off screen.  The film seems to cut around them not giving us much to look at.

There is so much about this movie that doesn't make sense.  The first scene in the movie is a young woman taking off her clothes and swimming in the swamp.  Who would swim in a swamp?  Obviously she gets her legs eaten by a gator.  She was wearing a necklace that is later put on the female victims for some reason.  This nameless character has nothing to do with the rest of this movie yet the film insinuates that there was some purpose for her with the appearance of the necklace.  Two of the locals are killed by the monster giving me the impression that this thing is a mindless killing machine.  Later the locals have some weird pointless ceremony preparing the last girl for big time monster rape (why didn't they do this for the other girls) and the monster is with them like its no big deal.  Also I think maybe the locals are suppose to be inbred from Creature but none of them have gator-like attributes.  Since this thing is banging chicks to preserve some kind of hillbilly race shouldn't there be more gator people.  I actually thought at one point maybe the reason the monster was in so many places seemingly at once was because there was more than one but nope there is just the one.

My message to all you horror film makers out there is to keep the rape and incest aspects of horror out of your movies.  It isn't shocking anymore.  It just makes your films unpleasant and predictable.  We need more creature features and less homages to HEE-HAW.  Sid Haig isn't the presence here as he is in HOUSE OF 1000 CORPSES.  He does what he can but the film never properly uses him.  Overall CREATURE is a slow film that really isn't much of anything at all.  Sad.  Since the film deals with monster banging can you guess what the last shot of the film is?  CREATURE is that obvious.


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