Monday, May 7, 2012

VAMP! Grace Jones is the scariest vampire ever.

People often ask me why I don't go to strip clubs.  I always answer the same.  I grab them by the collar and pull them real close and give them my own Clint Eastwood gleaming stare and matter of factly say "Vampires".  If Hollywood has taught us one thing its that most strip clubs are ran by vampires that want to suck blood and tear peoples' faces off.  It is just a simple fact.  I have seen it happen time and time again.  FROM DUSK TILL DAWN, THE DEVIL'S DEN, FROM DUSK TILL DAWN 2, DEADCERT, FROM DUSK TILL DAWN 3 and VAMP are all classic examples of vampires dabbling in the skin trade to suck peoples' blood.  No, thanks.  I like to keep my blood on the inside of my body.  That is where I keep most of my organs.

Anyhoo Keith and A.J. are a couple of college students who are trying to get into a fraternity.  After making the fraternity they were pledging to look bad they promise to get the fraternity anything they want.  That anything turns out to be a stripper.  So they decide to drive hundreds of miles away to a big city where they find a club called AFTER DARK.  I think its called AFTER DARK.  I could be wrong.  I don't quite remember.  You get the point though.  The club's name is some kind of vampire joke. Hilarious I'm sure if I was undead.  There they find Grace Jones performing.........Yea, its kind of weird.  I will leave it at that.  This is the eighties though and our two heroes for some odd reason find Grace to be the hottest woman alive.  A.J. goes back to see if she will be their stripper where he is immediately sucked dry.  I could have warned him but I was like ten back then.  My G.I. Joes weren't going to play by themselves.  (Though that would be awesome.)  The rest of the movie is Keith and this girl who knows him from back in the day running around being chased by vampires,  I guess they decided not to follow up on the whole getting a stripper for the college party.  That is a shame.  I say why can't they do both?

Remember that kid from MEATBALLS that looked like he could be a boy or a girl but we couldn't tell because we were like ten when that movie came out?  Well he is Keith and he was actually a boy.  Now he looks like the son of Mel Gibson.  The actors name is Chris Makepeace and he does a good job playing the film's lead.  He is not too dorky but he is not too handsome either.  I can relate to him.  Actually now that I think about it, Mel Gibson is a pretty good looking fellow.  I can't relate to that.  Now I don't like him.  His friend A.J. is played by that guy from NIGHTMARE OF ELM ST.  part 2 FREDDY DOESN'T LIKE GAY PEOPLE who gets killed in his tighty-whiteys.  He is a good personality.  Hip and charming he steals the show tricking you into thinking he is the main lead.  But then he dies.  Now usually when this happens the movie would become less interesting but it doesn't.  MEATBALLS BOY takes the reins and guides us through the green and pink lighted back alleys and sewers of vampire central.  Don't worry folks, ol' A.J. comes back as a vampire.  The good kind I assure you.  Well, not at first but A.J. is too cool to dine on the blood of his best friend.  What a great guy.  We could all take a lesson in friendship from A.J.  Not me though.  If I was a vampire your ass is grass.

VAMP is surprisingly good.  It has a lot of interesting scenes and characters and the film doesn't slow or get boring.  Plus a lot of vampires die too.  That is very important in a vampire film.  Kill more vampires.  Two best characters are of course the non talking Grace Jones that freaks out into vampire form and an albino gang leader played by the awesome Billy Drago.  If anything see it for them. 



  1. I never understood the attraction Grace Jones was supposed to have. An amusing write up though.

  2. It was the eighties....I guess. Thanks for the comment. It is a real honor and I am glad you are back.

  3. I sort of remember the film... Grace always had a look and the way she just was. It was entertaining. 1980s rocked in many things... if they were to remake it now, who do you think could play the lead?