Tuesday, December 15, 2015


Back in the day when I was a kid I saw BEASTMASTER.  I was so impressed by the swords and sorcery opus that I declared it better than CONAN THE BARBARIAN.  Then some time went by and I entered my teens.  On the TBS channel BEASTMASTER came on. It had been many years since I had seen it so I was eager to be reminded as to why I would be so bold as to praise the film so highly.  After about ten minutes into the film my appreciation for the movie changed considerably.  I would be lying if I said I wasn't embarrassed by BEASTMASTER.  It was hokey, silly and nowhere near as perfect as CONAN THE BARBARIAN.  BEASTMASTER had flaws that I was too young and naive to noticed.  I was too amazed by the spectacle of sword play, wizardry and monsters.  Older me became aware of the weaker aspects of the film.  I had grown up.

Then came the STAR WARS prequels.....

I admit that when the prequels came out I loved them.  You could not find a more hardcore defender of them than me.  Jar Jar even made me laugh.  However the prequels bothered me somehow. I would not acknowledge the nagging feeling in the back of my head that formed after my initial viewing of them.  I had questions the films never answered.  What was a Sith?  Are we going to learn more about Midichlorians?  Who was Jedi Cypher Deus? (Name misspelled I'm sure.)  Thanks to my friend from Catchaflick I was shown the Mr. Plinkett review of THE PHANTOM MENACE.  I had to admit to myself that the prequels were terrible and not only that but the "Special" editions were an absolute abomination and a true travesty against the storytelling arts.  It wasn't exactly that hard for me to denounce the prequels because I had the privilege of having the original unaltered STAR WARS trilogy as my childhood.  Unfortunately for the kids of the 90's that grew up in the early 2000's they had the inferior prequels.  That is their childhood when it comes to STAR WARS.  Naturally they are going to defend their childhood inspirations and one way of doing that is coming up with fan theories.  I haven't looked into these because they have no real foundation.  Yet the most ridiculous one seems to be converting people as evident by people sharing the articles about it on Facebook over and over again.  Now there is a Youtube video getting passed around.  Apparently Jar Jar Binks is a Sith Lord....Say it with me in the best Mace Windu voice you can "A Sith Lord?"

The video or videos (Since there are a few on Youtube and they all say the same thing.) I am addressing assert that George Lucas intended for Jar Jar Stinks to be a Sith Lord all along. Parallels are drawn between Jar Jar and Yoda as both were kooky characters but Yoda reveals himself to be a Jedi Master.  The belief is that in the following prequels Jar Jar would do the same only he would be a Sith Lord. The videos go as far as to boast that Jar Jar Binks is the master of Palpatine!  All of this is obviously absurd and reeks of 90's kids trying to give credibility to their childhood by trying to make Lucas a secretly smart storyteller and not the guy who forever will be known as the man who ruined the STAR WARS saga.

Now I am not going to go into great detail taking each point the videos make about Jar Jar's secret role in the Star Wars universe.  Almost all of those points are pure assumptions and stretches of the imagination.  There is no need for this.  Instead I will point to the movies themselves to prove that Jar Jar was just some dumb character Lucas put in to appeal to children in an attempt to make a movie that appeals to all ages and in turn bring in the most monies of all time.  I knew before watching any of these "Jar Jar is a Sith Lord" videos that two key scenes would not be shown.  These two scenes discredit entirely the bizarre hypothesis of Jar Jar's questionable morality and reasserts George Lucas's original intent for the character.

The first of these two scenes come from STAR WARS EPISODE 2 ATTACK OF THE CLONES.  So Jar Jar is sitting in a room with Chancellor Palpatine and some blue guy with horns lamenting that if only Senator Amidala was there she could introduce legislation to create a clone army.  The intent of the scene is quite clear with Palpatine clearly speaking to plant the idea into Jar Jar's tiny brain to propose the legislation himself.  Jar Jar is being tricked.  You can see Jar Jar realizing that he has the power to propose the legislation himself.  The idea would not have occurred if Palpatine hadn't passively suggested it himself.  Only Jar Jar is dumb enough to fall for such an obvious ploy.  That is probably why Palpatine kept him around as some kind of puppet to pull the strings of when something important needed done and no one else was stupid enough to do it.

The second damning scene comes from George Lucas's not canon "Special Edition" fan fiction versions of the original trilogy where scenes and special effects were added to make them flow with the prequels.   One such scene that has been added to was at the end of RETURN OF THE JEDI where a series of shots showing different planets rejoicing the demise of the Empire are shown including Coruscant and Naboo.  During the shot of Naboo as the camera pans across the rooftops of the city if you pay close attention and listen very carefully you can see and hear (With great horror I might add.) the one and only Jar Jar Binks standing next to a steeple joining in the rejoicing by proclaiming "Mesa fwree!"  I poop you not!  Here we see the end of Jar Jar's story.  He sounds, acts and dresses exactly as he was depicted in the Star Wars prequels.   Heck, it looks like he hadn't aged a day in over 20 years!  I guess the Force kept him young, right?  He is the same character.  No change.  Why act silly now if it was done all along for an act?  Why is he happy to be set free from the evil Empire if he himself set it up and is evil?  Jar Jar was just supposed to be a loony Chewbacca replacement  that accompanied our main characters in their adventures through the prequels.   That is all.

Thankfully the creators of STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS have come out and stated that Jar Jar Binks is not in the new movie.  The Jar Jar theorists believed the wacky cartoon abomination would play a pivotal role in the sequels.  Good grief!

I guess now the Jar Jar theorists will have to make up some story that explains the RETURN OF THE JEDI scene.  Good luck with all that.  While you guys are at it try explaining why Qui-Gon Jinn (Name probably misspelled but who cares?) is training Obi-Wan Kenobi instead of Yoda which was established in THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK.  Or why was Yoda using a light saber in the first place if he was an all powerful Jedi?  Why use a lazer sword when your very being is far more powerful?  Its like using a wooden stick to fight your battles when you can just use the gun in your holster.  Or what was the ultimate point of evil Jar Jar manipulating everyone anyway?  To create Darth Vader?  To create the Empire?  Why?  The theorists don't cover that topic.  Whoops...

In closing my advice is to grow up.  Learn from Lucas's mistake.  Here we have a great example of the difference between good and bad storytelling in film form.  Its okay to like or love the prequels but don't make elaborate excuses for them.  I love all kinds of bad movies.  BEASTMASTER RULES!!!  I just don't believe that they are secretly smart that only a few people understand.  Accept and move on.  No more fan theories, please.

As the old saying goes, "80's kids had THE NEVERENDING STORY.  90's kids had THE NEVERENDING STORY 3."


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