SILENT TRIGGER: DOLPH LUNDGREN IS A CAMPING NOOB!

When I am playing CALL OF DUTY multiplayer I can almost always point out who the snipers are in the lobby.  When I see a guy with a gamer tag that has a word like SNIPE, LONE, WOLF, NINJA, SWORD, ALPHA, RECON, IAMAGAYASSSNIPER in it I just know they are setting up camp somewhere lying on the ground in a heavily dark corner complimenting themselves on just how badass they are because they are going to have the best Kill/Death ratio in the lobby.  They like to pretend that somewhere in this world there is someone who is not a child molester (this time) that gives a darn.  CALL OF DUTY has given snipers a bad name.  Thankfully Ol' Dolph is here to show how badass snipers really are.

SILENT TRIGGER (directed by Russell Mulcahy, the guy who did HIGHLANDER, lol) is a strange film indeed.  It is not your typical action film.  Dolph Lundgren plays a sniper working for something called 'The Agency'.  It is a vague organization that I can only assume exists to perform assassinations on political targets.  At the beginning of the film we are treated to a flashback where Dolph does not pull the trigger on a political target and his female spotter Clegg is ordered to kill him.  A helicopter shows up with a group of local militia (I assume) preventing her from killing Lundgren.  The question is would she have done it in the first place.  As the movie goes on we are treated to more flashbacks expanding from the beginning showing us Dolph's and Clegg's escape and parting when Dolph finds out that she has been ordered to kill him. 

The main story takes place in a large skyscraper under construction where Dolph is setting up for another assassination.  Here is what I don't understand.  Years have passed since the incident where he couldn't pull the trigger yet Dolph is still working for the same agency.  Why is he still with them and why haven't they killed him yet?  I don't get it.  I must have missed something.  Apparently Dolph is recreating the same incident with Clegg returning unaware that her partner is Dolph.  He wants to know if she would have killed him and at the same time get revenge on the guy who ordered his death.  That is the story.

What is really weird about this film is how the tone of the film changes from an action movie to a haunting psychological horror movie.  The empty building is spooked with foreboding music highlighted with the boom of thunder and drowned in falling rain.  There are two overnight watchmen who guard the building.  Now usually in most action movies these characters last about ten seconds on screen either by getting themselves perished by the baddies or they just don't show them anymore because they aren't important.  In SILENT TRIGGER they become two of the central characters of the film.  Basically there are only four main characters Dolph, Clegg and two night watchmen.  Very strange.  One of the night watchmen is a real bastard and tries to rape Clegg.  At one point he starts doing drugs and starts to see C.G.I. spiders everywhere.  Weird.  Actually what is really weird is he has small spiders tattooed all over his body.  He kind of becomes the main antagonist for awhile. None that is what you are expecting.

There are only about three action moments in the film.  I don't really count the fight with Lundgren and the crazy security guard but you can if you want to.  Actionwise this is a decent film.  The beginning with Dolph on a tower gunning down baddies with his sniper rifle is awesome and at the end he shoots a guy with it from point blank range.  Very bloody.  The blood effects are pretty good but there is a cartoon helicopter straight out of a SYFY Original Movie that crashes into a tower with really weak cartoon explosions.  Hey, at least they use practical blood effects.  Nowadays they would color that stuff in with an electronic computing device.

SILENT TRIGGER is a unique action movie experience.  I liked it alot and if you are a fan of Dolph's then you should too.  Dolph Lundgren makes camping noobs look like total badasses........Nah, they still suck but I ain't telling Dolph that.  Be my guest.


Jason

I COME IN PEACE....Wait...DARK ANGEL? WTF?

Why is the U.S. release of I COME IN PEACE titled DARK ANGEL?  This isn't nerdy anime.  This is a badass cops versus a drug dealer from outer space movie whose organs are made of cottage cheese.  The alien is a really tall guy who pumps people full of heroin and the spikes their brains and extracts the endorphins that are produced so he can sell them in space.  If Dolph doesn't stop him more will come and it will be this big time slaughter.  Coolest thing of all is the alien only knows one phrase in English.  That phrase is "I come in peace". 

So Dolph is an undercover cop trying to bust a local big time drug lord.  We are introduced to his character listening in on a conversation from his car.  His partner is inside doing a drug deal with the boss himself.  But across the street some not nice guys rob a liquor store forcing Dolph to leave his post and kick some butt.  Unfortunately this happens as his partner is exposed as a cop and murdered.  The boss leaves laughing actually enjoying the moment.  Now I just wanted to point this scene out because the rest of the movie is the standard two cops paired together who don't like each other story.  We already have seen this kind of story before.  Obviously these two will hate each other but eventually find themselves friends after saving each others life once or twice.  I COME IN PEACE should be noted as one of those rare action films that leaves a big loose end.  Dolph never avenges the death of his partner.  I guess big alien trumps that story.  You see the drug boss goes on vacation.  We never see him again.  In fact he sends Dolph a Christmas card with a picture of the boss in Hawaii or some place tropical with two hot chicks having the time of his life.  He never gets his comeuppance.  He gets away with murder and gets to boast about it.  I find that kind of shocking.  There should have been this big scene at the end where all the bad guys get together to do a really big drug deal but the alien shows up with Dolph and his new partner following closely behind to start a big shoot out between goons, cops and alien.  The whole thing should have ended with all the bad guys dead.  It kind of bothers me that it didn't.  I figure the writers forgot all about that guy and they were like "Whoops" when the film was done.

This is still a really good movie.  The tall alien is pretty badass.  He likes to shoot what I assume is his collection of Celine Dion Cd's into people's throats.  I guess liking Celine Dion was just a passing phase from back in the day.  Now he looks more like he is into Norwegian Death Power Metal.  He is a formidable foe for Dolph to say the least.  Dolph has to rely on the alien's own technology to blow him up at the end.  There is a cop alien who shows up to die and give Dolph his gun that is really good at blowing up cars.  It fires and stuff just explodes.  That is it.  I could use something like that in CALL OF DUTY.  I can't help but notice how similar this movie is to Rutger Hauer's SPLIT SECOND.  Both are about two polar opposite cops who come together to bring down a strange creature.  Also both movies have that mousy gnome faced actor Michael J. Pollard in them.  Both have an exploding monster at the end of them too.  It is just kind of weird.

I don't have much to say about this one.  It is good and you should watch it.  Just don't call it DARK ANGEL.  This isn't a film for the Nerd-o's.  THE END.


Jason

SKEW

Full disclosure time, folks.  The director, Sevé Schelenz requested that I do a review of his film SKEW which I happily accepted.  I think that is a very ballsy move on his part to ask someone who could turn out to be a complete jerkola to review his work.  Did you know that there are horror fans out there in the world that have Internet access who are jerkolas?  Anyhoo in order to watch the film I had to subscribe to THE NETFLIX again which I am glad I did.   I was made aware of a show called DOWNTOWN ABBEY which I was told had a character named Thomas who looked just like me.  Truth be told I guess the dreamy eyed, dark haired, handsome Thomas does have a strong resemblance to me.  How charming.  Now I know what I would look like if I kissed another man.............

Moving on.

SKEW is one of those 'caught-on-camera/found footage' type of horror movies.  I know that the genre is a little overplayed nowadays like it was when THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT was so popular but SKEW is one of the good ones.  There was a lot of thought put into the making of this movie.  I will admit that I am a big fan of these caught on camera films like the first PARANORMAL ACTIVITY and BLAIR WITCH so I had no problem sitting through another film with similar style.  If you hated those movies then you probably wouldn't like SKEW.  But if your main complaint was that those films didn't show anything then let me tell you that SKEW shows stuff.  Ghosts jumping at your face kind of stuff.

So three friends Simon, Eva and Richard are going cross country to a friends wedding.  Simon is the main character who has brought along his new video camera to film every single moment possible.  He has a girlfriend who oddly enough decided not to come.  Along the way we discover Simon's attraction to Eva which as the trip goes on strains the friendship of the three.  Eva is Richard's girlfriend.  Whoops.  Got to love drama.  Also it doesn't help that Simon is starting to get a little creepy with his new hand held camera.  The poor guy can't seem to stop filming and his sanity starts to be questioned.  The trip is plagued by death all around.  They accidentally run over a coyote, a bus full of people crash and die and a hotel clerk is shot shortly after checking into their hotel.  People's faces sometimes will show up on video as twisted misshapen C.G.I. gooblty-gook.  Simon discovers that his camera skews the faces of those who are about to die.  Worse yet maybe the camera itself might be causing their deaths.  To break up the monotony of people talking in cars or in hotel rooms the ghosts of the dead will pop up and say "Boo" from time to time.  At one point Simon is filming Eva and Richard sleeping.  When he pans around the room BOO! a ghost appears in the room.  Immediately we see the footage rewind and check to see if the ghost is caught on film.  It is not.  Whoa!  Now wait a minute!  Don't get all high and mighty by pointing out that if this was a caught on camera movie you wouldn't see the rewind.  Just let the movie do its thing.  This is one of those movies you got to stick with to the very end.  All will be revealed......sort of.

At first I wasn't sure how I felt about SKEW.  I have seen these kinds of movies before.  The scares are a little forced and when you can tell you are looking at a special effect the film loses a little bit of its realism.  But if you are paying attention to what is going on, SKEW has a way of reeling you in.  A lot of credit has to go to the actors who bring a strong sense of reality to the movie.  They don't feel like actors playing parts in a horror movie.  They come off as genuine people which is a hard thing to do in these kind of "reality" horror movies.  As the spooky stuff started to happen I was constantly intrigued wondering what was going to happen next.  I wanted to know why all of this was going on.  There is a strong element of the psychological at play here.  The ending is what really sets SKEW apart from the rest.  It is a very simple moment.  If you are not paying attention you might not even notice it even when the film points it out.  It is a moment that makes you question everything you have just watched.  Its good stuff and exactly what these caught on film type of horror movies are suppose to be.  CREEPY AS HELL!

Even though the ending left me with more questions than answers I can't help but recommend SKEW.  It is one of those movies that still has me thinking.  I replay a lot of the scenes from the film in my smaller than usual sized brain trying to piece together the enigma the movie left me with.  The relationship of the three characters is important to the overall outcome of the film.  You care about these three.  You care about what is going on.  And you dread what will happen next.  Not the scariest movie but it is hard to shake off the creepy feeling the film gives you at the end.  It is a good WTF moment.  Watch it on THE NETFLIX, folks.

Jason

OFFICIALLY UNINTERESTED IN THE EXPENDABLES 2 PG-13!!!

Well let us just face the facts, folks.  It is a cruel cold world and happy endings are few and far between.  When things line up and start to point to the inviting half open door of awesomeness, WATCH OUT(!) because balanced atop that door just on the other side is a bucket full of cold harsh reality.  I should have known that THE EXPENDABLES 2 was too good to be true.  I should have learned from last years disappointments in my own personal life that I shouldn't get my hopes up.  But I did.  I dared to dream big.  I expected nothing more than a action packed violent film that trumps the original.  Then I found out that THE EXPENDABLES 2 is going to be PG-13.  PG-13?  How about PEE-PEE 13?

I know it is too early to judge because I haven't seen the movie yet.  Who knows maybe the whole PG-13 is just a hoax.  And who knows maybe one day I will discover a large vein of gold deposited somewhere far up my butt.  Not bloody likely but I am going to keep digging just to be sure.  What I have read so far is that Chuck Norris doesn't want any bad words in his movies because kids maybe watching.  Uh, last time I checked THE EXPENDABLES was made for adults.  Wouldn't the more violent aspect of the film be more disturbing to kids?  I believe honestly that the film was probably written to be PG-13 to begin with.  A harder edge film probably wouldn't interest a high on values Chuck Norris anymore.  If you think about it changing all the unpleasant words but still having lots and lots of stabbings to the face will still land you an R rating.  If the first EXPENDABLES had no bad words in it but still had all the blood and guts and torso removings would that mean it was PG-13?

Violence matters, folks.  You can't just make a big action movie dependent on big car chases, big explosions, and big heights to hang off of stuff.  Those are called adventure films.  Which is better ROBOCOP or ROBOCOP 3?  Which was the more violent film?  Which one was the smarter film?  Which film didn't insult the audience by visually lessening the consequences of what it looks like to be shot?  Which film left the greater impression on you?  Did a jet pack flying Robocop make up for the lack of blood?  It is a larger spectacle to have a flying Robocop than one that simply drives around.  Violence is an ugly thing and when you water it down you weaken the horrible aftermath of it.  It makes violence not seem so bad.  When ED-209 is unloading two cannons into some poor bastard in ROBOCOP you see how horrible it is to be shot.  At least it didn't look too pleasant for that corporate executive guy, what's his face.

I am predicting that THE EXPENDABLES 2 will have a lot of car chases, a lot of kung-fu, a lot of jumping from explosions, and neck breaks galore.  Maybe a bloodless stabbing or two also.  Will that be better than droves of baddies blown to pieces by a fully automatic shotgun?  I can't wait to see a fight between Stallone and Van Damme but will it be so over the top in it's scale to make up for the lack of on screen violence?  Is this going to be way over indulgent like Darth Vader and Obi-Wan Kenobi's final fight in EPISODE 3?  I doubt the fight will top Scott Adkins and Van Damme's fight in THE SHEPHERD or any fight scene in a Isaac Florentine film.  Being a large action film does not mean great action film.  I want another RAMBO part 4 not STOP OR MY MOM WILL SHOOT.

I will see THE EXPENDABLES 2 in the theater.  I am sure I will like it.  But I know it won't be great.  I know already that it could have been better.  It will be fine at best.  Despite having some major flaws THE EXPENDABLES part 1 will be better.  It did not compromise.  A good action film never compromises the integrity of it's art no matter how cheesy it is.  Fix your film, Stallone.  We want blood and major impalement issues galore.  This time how about using practical realistic effects.  Stop relying on C.G.I. cartoony blood.  And don't put another Shinedown song in your movie.  They suck. 

I can only hope that one day I will wake up and all of this was just a bad dream.  Until then I will be more excited for UNIVERSAL SOLDIER: A NEW DIMENSION and BULLET TO THE HEAD.....Oh, and THE RAID!


Jason

HELLBOUND! Watch CHUCK NORRIS fight Evil by punching it in the face!

HELLBOUND is about Chuck Norris fighting the Devil.  Well maybe not the Devil but the Devil's right hand man named Protanos or at least I think that was his name.  Protanos was sealed in a tomb during medieval times and was accidentally released in the fifties.  After his release he spent the years becoming an archaeologist searching for pieces of a sceptre that will give him power to rule the world.  But he made one big mistake.  He threw a hooker out a window onto Chuck Norris's car.  Whoops.

The beginning of HELLBOUND is surprisingly good for the most part.  After we are treated to the comforting CANNON PICTURES logo the film starts off with a king riding a horse with a small army of soldiers armed with crossbows following on foot.  A priest is with them and he points to the direction they need to go.  He leads them to an old church (I think) where Protanos is conducting a ceremony where he is about to sacrifice a baby prince which will give him his power to rule the earth.  This is a pretty exciting scene where soldiers are fighting monster dressed as monks.  If a soldier is killed by a monster then the dead body jumps back to life as a monster too.  Protanos is pretty good at fighting off the steadfast king and his merry men but he isn't very good at not getting stabbed in the back by an old priest carrying a big stick.  So down goes Protanos.  He is locked away in a tomb until hundreds of years later he is released by a couple of grave robbers.   That is all the exciting stuff, folks.  After the promise of a larger more epic film we are then treated to a buddy cop movie that tries it's dangness to not go anywhere as slowly as possible.

Now in modern times we are introduced to Chuck Norris (playing a character named Sgt. Shatter which means they have officially ran out of cool badass names for action heroes.) and his partner Jackson.  Jackson apparently has made an important life decision to live out his days as a Whoopie Goldberg impersonator JUMPIN' JACK FLASH style.  That is okay though because Chuck likes to dress like Don Johnson from the show MIAMI VICE.  HELLBOUND was made in the nineties.  Does that mean Chuck is from Canada?  Through the course of the movie the two Chicago cops stuck in the eighties get involved in solving a case that takes them to Israel where they eventually discover that Protanos is a demon and overall jerk. 

The whole fish out of water story is very unsatisfying.  The two cops run around getting in where they are not wanted but nothing ever happens.  That is to say that Chuck doesn't kick much butt in HELLBOUND.  I think the makers of this film forgot that they had Chuck Norris in their movie.  There is a short fight scene in the middle but it feels tacked on and it is not very memorable.  The ending does get better with the final confrontation of Jackson and Norris versus Protanos.  Poor Jackson is tossed around like the cereal piece in a child's bowl of Lucky Charms.  Chuck Norris on the other hand has no problem taking on the ancient powerful demon with his Fists of Punching, his Ferocious Feet of Explosion and his Powerful Beard of.....Stuff.  This is a pretty awesome scene that probably birthed all those Chuck Norris jokes that were so popular a few short years ago.  You see the movie doesn't build Chuck up to be some super powerful angel in disguise on earth to search for Protanos or have him as a descendant of an ancient race of magical demon hunters.  No, he is just Chuck Norris and that is the only fact he needs to beat the Devil's right hand man.  I think that is pretty darn awesome..........and hilarious.

Chuck is likable and the main attraction to this film.  He just doesn't have that strong of a presence.  The problem is that the film wants Chuck to be a cool role model for the kids yet somehow still be a rated R renegade anti-hero.  Is this a family friendly film or hard action film?  I mean there are at times some gore here and there.  And it isn't too pleasant to see a woman tossed out a window and crash land on the hood of Chuck's car.  So why did they put an annoying kid in this movie too. No action just some stupid kid that they have to chase around to fill in the running time and conveniently have information needed for Chuck and Jackson to move on to the next scene of talking.  HELLBOUND suffers from some really bad ADR too. The hooker I mentioned in the first paragraph of this review is completely ADR'd. Her voice and words don't even come close to matching what she is saying or what she looks like. It is very distracting. Poor Chuck has a few of those moments as well but I'm not going to tell him that.

HELLBOUND was a movie I didn't expect much from so I shouldn't complain too much.  It has a strong beginning and ending but the middle is annoying and gets pretty tiresome with scene after scene of talk and buddy cop camaraderie.  I kept waiting for those scenes where thugs would show up for no good reason other than to get kicked in the face.  But it only happened once.  For shame, HELLBOUND.  For shame.

Jason

RANA: THE LEGEND OF SHADOW LAKE aka CROAKED FROG MONSTER FROM HELL for some reason.

There are a lot of things that suck in this world but RANA: THE LEGEND OF SHADOW LAKE is not one of them.  Basically RANA is a low budget CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON.  There is a lake.  In this lake is a monster.  According to Indian legend if you throw gold into the lake you will get cool stuff.  But if you pee in the lake instead of getting out and using the bathroom which is the polite thing to do you will be harpooned.  The legend goes something like that.  Maybe that is not entirely true.  I wasn't paying that much attention when they were explaining the legend of Rana.  Either way I figure gold or not if you get anywhere near Rana you will get yourself perished. 

Apparently Rana doesn't like bad actors getting anywhere near it's lake of doom.  The dialogue is terrible.  You can tell that this was probably the writers first script.  The acting?  Nonexistent.  Imagine making a movie in your backyard and having your friends and relatives play the characters.  It's kind of not good.  But despite all of this I can easily say that this movie rocks.  Why, you ask?  Because I have really terrible taste in movies.  Also like ALIEN FACTOR you can see that this film has heart.

The movie is about a monster in a lake that kills people but there is a little more imagination here.  The lake is suppose to be rich with gold but the lake is bottomless.  Rana's hands burns everything they touch.  You can see steam coming from it's hands when it walks around on land.  That insinuates Rana is some kind of demon possibly.  This isn't your typical creature from a lake movie.   RANA does have spooky atmosphere even though the hokey music will take you out of the mood.  The fact that the movie was filmed in the seventies and on location at a real lake adds to it authenticity.  This kind of a scary movie.  There are some jump scares that are pretty effective too.  I think I jumped three times which never happens especially in big budget horror.  Once I even saw it coming and it still made me jump.

I saw this movie back in the day when I was like ten on the USA network.  A friend of mine found it on DVD under the title CROAKED distributed by TROMA.  Why would TROMA change the title.  The original title is much better and doesn't insinuate that this is a film about a giant frog monster.  If you saw this back in the day then you might actually like it.  It's nice for the nostalgia factor.  It is one of those contradicting films that has more negatives than positives yet somehow it is still good.  I wouldn't change a thing.


Jason

INVASION U.S.A. THIS IS WHY CHUCK NORRIS IS IN THE EXPENDABLES 2.

INVASION U.S.A. is a movie about what not to do when invading America.  Rostov (played by Richard Lynch) is a soviet agent planning on starting a series of terrorist attacks in the good ol' U.S.A.  in a attempt to bring it down.  So what does he do to start this invasion?  Why he goes straight to Chuck Norris's living shack in the middle of the bayou and blows it up......Correct me if I am wrong but wouldn't that be the last thing you would do?  Guess what happens when you blow up Chuck Norris.  You get your butt kicked.  That is exactly what happens to Rostov.  Now to be fair I can't really blame Rostov's logic in his preemptive strike.  Rostov is plagued with nightmares of Chuck Norris kicking him in the face.  Can you imagine that?  I would probably take a shot at Chuck too if I had such nightmarish visions.  I feel kind of sorry for ya, Rosto.  Lesson learned:  Don't piss off Beardy McBeard.

In my know nothing opinion this is Chuck Norris's finest film and best acting.  He is a cold mean presence in this movie which is kind of unusual from his standard laid back generic good guys he played before this and after.  Norris has few lines but when he speaks his voice is stern, precise and barely above a whisper.  Less is more with this actor.  His one liners are pretty clever like "If you come in here again I will beat you with so many rights you will beg for a left" and "Rostov, it's time to die".  Well maybe that last one isn't so clever but it is scary especially if you are Rostov.  Chuck is a total badass running around and showing up at just the right time and in just the right place to shoot bad guys with his two Uzis and knife them in the hand to get them to talk.  He even has a duel with Rostov with rocket launchers.  It can't get more badass than that!

INVASION U.S.A. is a very tight script rushing to the action scenes with little time to develop the characters or generate a boring love interest.  Most action films have some woman running around with the protagonist for no reason other than to have a pointless love interest.  INVASION does have a woman reporter that comes in from time to time to raise questions or show up conveniently in a car so Norris can take over the wheel and pursue fleeing bad guys.  But before any level of love interest can develop the script brushes her aside in favor of more Norris gunning down baddies or blowing them up with their own bombs.  Good stuff.  Even at the end after Rostov is completely obliterated the movie just ends on a shot of a victorious Chuck Norris.  There isn't even a scene where Norris emerges from the building to a crowd of reporters and police.  Pushing past them only to stop at the smiling sexy reporter who says "Can I have that exclusive now?" for which he replies "ROUNDHOUSE KICK TO THE FACE!"...I mean he says "Here is you exclusive." and then kisses her.  None of that here.  This movie follows the HAMMER STUDIOS rule :  When the monster is dead the movie is over.

Another thing to note is how extremely violent INVASION U.S.A. is.  Civilians die by the boat load.  I would dare argue that more innocent people die than bad guys.  The violence itself can be rather extreme too.  Rostov has a tendency to shoot guys in the balls and even smashes some chick snorting coke face down to where her straw is shoved straight up her nose.  Screaming bloody murder she is violently  thrown through a window.  Yikes.  One scene has a young couple making out on a deserted beach at night.  In horror movie fashion a bad guy creeps up and murders them then smiles at something funny going on the screen of the portable t.v. the couple brought with them on the beach.  Rostov shows up in a quiet neighborhood street during Christmas time and starts blowing up family houses with a magical bazooka that never needs to be reloaded.  What a bad dude.  I do need to get me one of those magical bazookas though.

If you are interested in getting into Chuck Norris films then I would highly recommend this one.  I haven't seen all of his work yet but I gotta admit he hasn't done very many good ones.  Most of his are guilty pleasures at best.  INVASION can be one of those too but I think as an action movie this one is excellent.  It could have been way cheesier to the point of DEADLY PREY silliness.  It came close with that magical bazooka yet somehow the film manages to retain it's serious tone.  I think the thanks for keeping the film in line is Chuck's cold demeanor and the brutal violence that is spread throughout usually perpetrated by the excellent Richard Lynch playing Rostov.  Maybe it is a stupid film but I think that the film delivers the goods and more so.  ROUNDHOUSE KICK TO THE FACE!

Jason