CHANBARA BEAUTY: THE MOVIE-VORTEX

CHANBARA BEAUTY: THE MOVIE-VORTEX has no nudity.  I know that is the first thing you would be wondering so I just thought I would get that little fact out of the way.  This is a video game movie that apparently is a remake of the ONECHANBARA movie.  It is not a sequel.  I guess someone saw ONECHANBARA and decided that they could make the same movie only with less story and more shots of fake cartoon blood splattering the camera lens.

Aya (Yu Tejima) is a bikini wearing, double-samurai sword wielding cowgirl that roams the zombie filled wastelands with her step-sister Saki killing the undead because they haven't got anything better to do.  This woman shows up and says her name is Misery and she can help find the evil woman, Homiko (I think that was her name) who is responsible for all the zombie nonsense going on.  Turns out Misery is actually Homiko and she needed help (supposedly) kidnapping some little girl who has special blood.  Saki betrays Aya and helps Homiko with the promise that Homiko can bring back her dead parents.

You would think that a movie about a bikini wearing, double samurai sword wielding cowgirl would be an extremely entertaining movie with extremely striking visuals.  Sadly  CHANBARA BEAUTY: THE MOVIE-VORTEX is nothing but an eye sore.  Every aspect of this film seems like a step down from the original with the exception of Yu Tejima playing the new Aya.  Visually CHANBARA is uglier than the first.  Every set is the same as the last.  The barely there story wades through from scene to scene with little change in the scenery.  It looks like the whole movie was filmed in the same abandoned school/warehouse/apartement building.  It is all bland, bleak, boring and uninspired.  The visual effects are just a bunch of bright computer blurs and distortions that add little energy to a movie that is about two people walking from point A to point B.

At times the fight scenes begin to muster some enthusiasm for the film.  Aya kicking zombie butt is a blast at first but they keep throwing blood at the screen over and over again to the point that you never ever want to see another movie that does that particular gag ever again.  The end fight between Aya and Homiko is repetitious  at best and doesn't seem to want to ever end.  The fight scenes never quite hit the hyper kinetic energy you get from a really good Japanese action film.  A few good examples of one that succeed in that are VERSUS, DEATH TRANCE and the HARD REVENGE MILLY movies.

CHANBARA BEAUTY WHATEVER is at best a forgettable film.  How ironic.  I don't believe the choices made on every level of production were correct.  It would be nice if they had a solid interesting story that had some heart to it.  At least the original made you care for the characters which is a strange thing to say about a movie with an obviously silly premise.  There is this really hot gun toting woman who you would think would help Aya like she did in the first one but instead the choice was made to make this annoying guy who does nothing but annoy and not get killed (when clearly he did get eaten by a bunch of zombies but he shows up and acts like it is no big deal) be Aya's tag along.  He is the film's Jar-Jar.

I think the guys who made this movie didn't care about anything except the attractiveness of the lead character.  Everything else production-wise was added in as an after thought.  If you have a fetish for Japanese women in bikinis and cowboy hats fighting zombies with their double samurai swords then this is the movie for you.  But I will assure you that after watching CHANBARA BEAUTY: THE MOVIE-VORTEX you will have that fetish no longer.  Though not the worst or the most tasteless this movie should have been at least memorable.  Maybe the next remake will be better.  Hope for a remake, folks because a sequel to this movie would be a flashy, fake blood on the screen with a giant glowing "X" across the screen soul sucking blandfest.

Jason

SUPPORT DRIFTER: LONESOME HIGHWAY INDIEGOGO CAMPAIGN!!!

Being a part of making movies and now web series is a dream come true for yours truly.  I am working with a brilliant director and good friend Jason Braiser and my girlfriend Brittney Greer to help bring their new web series DRIFTER: LONESOME HIGHWAY into reality.  This is a sequel to their award winning series DRIFTER: BROKEN ROAD.  The series is in pre-production and we are looking to raise funds to make this the most outstanding dark drama of revenge and adventure in a fragmented dystopian future possible.  Essentially the series is a Western that takes place in the near future where America has been torn apart by a second civil war.

I urge you to please help in anyway you can by going to the links below and finding out more about this series and the production company that are making them AMERICAN WASTELAND.  Just clicking on the links below or sharing with your friends on THE FACEBOOK or on your blogs will be most appreciated.  If you do share with your friends or donate let me know so I can say thank you and if you do have a blog I will follow it as well.

I know this will come off a little biased seeing how I am friends with them both and all but I will say this about Brittney Greer and Jason Braiser.  They are committed to their craft.  Both have acted, produced, directed and written many projects before.  They get results faster than most if not all.  With very little they accomplish more visually than most bigger budgeted web series.  A couple of visionaries is what they are recognizing the popularity with the web series format before most ever even heard of the concept.  If you are looking for a professional production team to help on a media project check them out.  They have worked on films, web series, music videos, commercials and helped others with their projects as well.  Go to their website below and send any questions you may have about their projects or inquire if you are looking to hire someone for your own project.  Together we can bring better stories to life rather than waiting on big studios to give us what we want.  Thanks in advance for all your support.

Jason

CLICK HERE TO GO TO AMERICAN WASTELAND!

CLICK HERE TO GO TO DRIFTER: LONESOME HIGHWAY INDIEGOGO!

G.I. JOE: RETALIATION is NERD-A-ROONY!

I know G.I. JOE: RETALIATION might be one of those movies I had low expectations for and when it exceeded those expectations I found myself giving it a possibly unearned good review.  Perhaps after a second viewing I will see the film's flaws and decide that the whole movie is sucktastic.  I don't think so though.  I think RETALIATION did some things right.  Things I didn't quite expect in this day and age where everything in movies has to be bigger and more explody than the last big movie.  There really isn't much for me to complain about.  I had a fun time watching the latest in the G.I. JOE franchise.  There is a good mix of live action realism with impossible over the top visuals expected from a cartoon.  It is better than what you would expect.  At least that is how it was for me.

PLOT:  G.I. JOE goes BOOM!  COBRA tries to take over the world.  DONE!

RETALIATION has the luxury of not being hampered of going through the predictable motions of being an origin story.  We can move on and get into the movieverse where G.I. JOE is battling COBRA, a terrorist organization determined to rule the world if you didn't know.  I think the only bad thing about part 2 is that they give us a story that probably should have taken place in either the inevitable part 3 THE REVENGE OF COBRA or part 4 THE RETIREMENT OF COBRA.  It is too early to start our story by killing off all but four Joes.  Too soon I say.  Killing Duke off was a major mistake too but I will get to that later.  We never really get to know any of these characters and not too many of them return from part 1.  Where did they all go?  To the mall to buy shoes?  I guess the only good thing about their absence  is we don't have real life Jar-Jar Binks himself Marlon Wayans returning playing the ancestor of the thief character he played in the poopular DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS.  Maybe it would be worth it if he showed up and got all blowed up. Nah!

Part 2 visually is a lot smaller in scope compared to most of the recent blockbusters in the last ten years.  RETALIATION keeps the visuals in control to aide the story and not just blow a bunch of crap up because producers think that audiences are still impressed by explosions that destroy half the world.  There is a scene where they blow up a whole city but the film isn't constantly trying to out do other films in the giant spectacle of stuff being destroyed category.  What this means is that there is more focus on smaller details.  Smaller moments have greater impact.  Even though the whole movie moves through it's story faster than an actual episode of the classic cartoon series it does take time to focus on the smaller badass moments.  There is a great moment of Cobra Commander simply walking looking like a total imposing badass.  He is someone to fear and he almost gets the world to bend to his will and you are impressed by it.  You are given a chance to see great costume and vehicle designs as well.  Characters have more of a solid presence.  They aren't as forgettable as they are in the first one.  I didn't even realize that Channing Tatum was Duke in the first one.  The only time the film wavers a bit is in the mediocre PG-13 style action scenes.  There are some good humorous moments as well that were a little unexpected.  The movie almost feels like a sequel to 21 JUMP STREET at one point.

Let's talk about the nerdy aspect to G.I. JOE part 2.  Snakes-Eyes is to G.I. Joe as Wolverine is to THE X-MEN.  The nerdos love him so they got to make a large part of the story involve Snake-Eyes doing stuff that makes him look all badass doing his twirly sword thingy.  Oh, and Storm Shadow is back doing just fine after being killed in the first one.  Only in the movies, folks.  You can tell that whoever wrote part 2 had a thing for the ninja aspect of G.I. JOE.  All the ninjas from the cartoon show are in this movie even the ninja that isn't a ninja but looks like one so when you were a kid you pretended he was one just so he would fit in, Firefly,  Its raining ninjas in G.I. JOE: RETALIATION.  In fact if you didn't look like a ninja they killed you off.  Sorry, Duke.  I know you were like the main character and the guy who played you was an emerging Hollywood star with a string of majorly successful films under his belt but you didn't wear pajamas that covered you head to toe and you don't know nothin about nun-chucks.  Every nerd in the world that has katanas or samurai swords hanging proudly on their wall should adore and make sweet but unwelcomed love to this movie.

Where the TRANSFORMERS movies failed the G.I. JOE ones succeed.  RETALIATION isn't about a couple of kids that find some device which find themselves being pursued by COBRA and eventually G.I. JOE showing up and saving the day towards the end of the film.  G.I. JOE movies are about the G.I. Joes.  I don't know why these movies based on toys have to focus so much on characters that have nothing to do with the figures we played with.  MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE did the exact same thing. 

G.I. JOE:  RETALIATION does a great job incorporating the cartoon aspect into live action.  It is kind of cool seeing Cobra Commander retreat like he did in the cartoon.  Remember when we were kids and we called "B.S." on guys ejecting from their vehicles just as they were about to explode?  It is nice to see that that doesn't happen in the live action movies.  I am sure in the next one if they can afford it they will bring back Tatum to play Duke again.  If Storm Shadow can survive a major impalement issue right before being dropped in arctic freezing water then I am sure Duke can come back after being blown up and left for dead by his friends who didn't even check his pulse.  Oh, I bet Duke comes back pissed.

Jason

TOTAL RECALL: Not a movie but an expensive looking platform jumper.

The new TOTAL RECALL isn't the worst remake in the world.  It has some truly great special effects.  Just look at the robot stormtroopers that are no doubt C.G.I. but look incredibly real like the T-Rex from JURASSIC PARK.  Whats-her-face from the UNDERWORLD movies is an excellent bad guy.  Nothing stops her from getting the job done.  It is total badass to see her intensity as she tries to capture/kill Quaid.  Colin Farrell isn't bad in the film.  He is there doing stuff, I suppose.  The problem is that no matter what TOTAL RECALL sparkles and dangles in front of the viewer's eyes it can't help but make you feel like this whole movie is completely unnecessary.  This movie has already been made and it was called TOTAL RECALL and it was done better.

So the first thing the new TOTAL RECALL does wrong is completely throw out the mystery as to whether Colin's character, Quaid  was an agent working for the resistance or just some normal guy living the implanted fantasy from the company Rekall that puts exciting vacations into your mind.  They flat out show you that Quaid is captured while trying to escape with Jessica Beil in the opening scene!  Remember in the original TOTAL RECALL where Arnold is on the mountain on Mars with the pretty lady and he falls and his space suit helmet breaks and his face gets all contorted and gross?  Those were good times.  He wakes up realizing he just had a nightmare.  When you immediately see that his wife is not the same woman in the dream you become suspicious as to maybe there was some truth to that nightmare.  This opening scene lays the foundation for the later scene when that small guy from Recall (I think that is how it was spelled in the original movie) shows up and tells Schwartzen-Quaid that it was all just an implanted dream.  For a moment not only does Schwartzen-Quaid start to believe it but you as the audience member does too.  But then Schwartzen-Quaid sees the sweat going down the small guys face and its Good-Bye to that guy!  The new TOTAL RECALL begrudgingly takes time away from the "amazing" PG-13 jumping action to have the same scene.  This time however the moment is nowhere near as badass or intense as the original.  That is because we already know that Quaid is a resistance fighter or agent or whatever he is from the first freaking scene of the movie.  Way to go, Len Weisman.  We don't need a big exciting slick chase scene to get the audience entertained.  We need the audience invested into the story based on the mystery as to who Quaid is and how he is involved in the events around him.

The big problem I have with the new TOTAL RECALL is that there is no story.  There is no character development.  There is no small, bulgy eyed mutant thingy growing out of some guy's stomach disturbing you by the way it's mouth moves when it says "Quaid....Quaid...Quaid..." over and over again giving you nightmares and weird stomach feelings for months.  Instead the story and memorable visuals are replaced with long segments of Quaid jumping from platform to platform like the game MARIO 64.  I can't believe how much of a video game this whole movie is.  There are wide shots showing the buildings as floating platforms for Quaid to jump on to get away from the bad guys.  Too many scenes strongly resemble video game levels.  He has to jump from this thing to that thing.  He has to jump from the top of one car to another.  He has to jump from one elevator to another.  The whole movie is nothing but jumping.  It is suppose to be exciting but it quickly becomes monotonous and an eyesore.  The kids will like it though.

Why is there a three boobed woman in this movie?  Do they explain that at all?  I know the movie makers put that in there because it was in the original but at least in the original it was explained.  Now in the new one it makes no sense.  It is just there for immature reasons.  I also think it is kind of lame that there is no Mars only other side of the world.  It feels weak and unimpressive.  Going to Mars is far more exciting and imaginative than staying here on boring old Earth.  Shouldn't remakes be grander in there concepts?

Is it really a clever idea to have a cell phone that is surgically implanted in your hand?  Think about it.  Instead of accidentally "butt dialing" your mom you accidentally "wank dial" your mom.  Whoops.

The new TOTAL RECALL is weak sauce.  The action is bland.  The characters are forgettable.  There is a couple of scenes that might count for story but they are few and far between long chase scenes of people jumping from platform to platform.  But hey, it all looks sleek and stylish with lens flares galore so that makes it a great movie, right?  No more lens flares in your movies please.  That goes for you too, Michael Bay, J.J. Abrams, and that guy that directed TAKEN 2.  Stop it!


Jason

CHECK OUT RagNBone Productions!!!

Here at Umustbebored I am using my blog-thingy to not only give my two cents about movies but to also help spread the word about Indie film makers and their productions.  I encourage you to not only watch indie movies but to get involved in making them happen.   Here is another great opportunity to help some very ambitious film makers get their movie seen.

RagNBones Productions has finished their film THE HOUSE ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE TRACKS or THOTWSOTT for short.  On the production company's website they have a trailer for the movie along with some production photos and a rather creative music video that ties into the movie.  Obviously the title implies some kind of inspiration from Wes Craven's LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT but after watching the trailer I think the film is more in line with Don Dohler's BLOOD MASSACRE which is a film I really need to see.  I am a big Dohler fan.  With that said it makes me think that the RagNBones people are trying to make something a little more different with their characters than the normal kids get caught by crazies movies.  It looks like a crooks vs. crazies movie and I like those.  They're are not too many of those.

Go to the RagNBones website (link below) and check out the crew bios and their upcoming projects.  We should be seeing some great stuff from these guys.  You can help.  How?  Well for starters they have an Indieagogo campaign going on.  (link below too)  Donate to help them produce DVDs and spread the word on your site or facebook.  If you live near these guys ask if they need any help.  See what happens.  Making movies is the coolest.  Click on the links below to check them out.

CLICK HERE TO GO TO RagNBones PRODUCTIONS WEBSITE!!!

CLICK HERE TO GO TO THOTWSOTT INDIEAGOGO CAMPAIGN!!!

Jason

LORD OF TEARS KICKSTARTER UPDATE

Looks like the LORD OF TEARS KICKSTARTER is a success.  That doesn't mean you can't still contribute.  There are still a few days to go and the only way you can order a copy of the movie is by donating to the campaign.  It may be another year before there is an official distribution for the film on DVD so get to it!  The hype is growing and it looks like director Lawrie Brewster is having some fun with his Owlman character.  There is a YouTube video of Owlman freakin kids out on video chat which is really funny and something to be seen.  I can't wait to see Owlman in movie form.  There are also some pictures they have of Owlman in an abandoned hospital that help create an eerie mood to prepare you for what you are going to see in LORD OF TEARS.  The film will also be shown at the San Diego Comic Fest in October.  Exciting stuff!  Be a part of it!

CLICK HERE TO GO TO LORD OF TEARS KICKSTARTER!!!

CLICK HERE TO SEE OWLMAN VIDEO CHATTING!!!

Jason

THE HUMAN RACE TRAILER HAS ARRIVED!!!

 I just wanted to let everyone know that the trailer for THE HUMAN RACE has arrived.  Watch it and spread the word.  Director Paul Hough has made a highly imaginative and entertaining film that needs to be seen by all who love fantasy/horror/sci-fi/badass movies.


                      CLICK HERE TO WATCH THE HUMAN RACE TRAILER!!!


Jason