Thursday, January 5, 2012


Lundgren looks kind of pissed.  I would be too if I was in this film version of suck.  Okay, I admit it.  I bought this movie on blu-ray.  Yes, I am well aware of the craptasticness of Uwe Boll who happens to be the worlds worst director.  But c'mon, guys.  Give me a break.  The movie has Dolph Lundgren in it.  The year is 2012 the year of THE EXPENDABLES 2.  The time is now to celebrate.  In my defense I do have two good reasons why I bought this movie and contributed to financing Uwe Boll's future cinematic atrocities. 1.) It has Dolph Lundgren in it and I like to support his movies cuz he is awesome.  2.)  I am an idiot....

Dolph is a ex-military turned martial arts instructor who is pulled back in time for some reason.  There he meets a king and they talk.  Then they talk some more.  Then as the movie goes on the king and this strange man from the future talk even more.  It goes on and on like this until the king who turns out to be bad (surprise surprise) is killed by Dolph in Dolph's bathroom in present times.  That is pretty much the entire movie and I am only slightly exaggerating.

Once again director Uwe Boll has put to film (yet again) a script that is obviously a first draft treatment.  Remember BLOODRAYNE?  I swear to you there is no story here whatsoever.  Lundgren has to go kill a witch for some reason who turns out to be good while the king who sent him on this mission is the real bad guy.  Every direct to video action movie has the same story.  But Uwe goes a little further in the incompetence department.  You see there are these Darth Maul like bandits that show up to start up some nerd style LARPing action scenes.  They work for the witch but when Dolph finds the witch in their village they allow him to find the witch because they are really the good guys BUT then we find out that only the witch is good and the bandits are controlled by the king.  Maybe I missed something but why not just have the bandits kill the witch if he needed her dead.  I know there was a lot of talking in this movie where they may have explained why but after about five minutes into the first conversation Lundgren has with the king my mind tuned out.  Each conversation he has with the king goes on forever and it gets to the point that you actually dread the appearance of the king because you know you are in store some more pointless meandering never ending blah-blah-blah.  My mind blah-blah-blah'd its way through this movie so I have no idea what was going on.

The first IN THE NAME OF THE KING: A DUNGEON SIEGE TALE was suppose to be a movie adaptation of the game DUNGEON SIEGE.  Instead the film completely ripped off  THE LORD OF THE RINGS movies.  It took me forever to figure out why Uwe didn't just call the dang movie DUNGEON SIEGE.  Looking at the unnecessarily long title and similar look to the film I now know why.  There was a video game that came out recently called TWO WORLDS.  Is this suppose to be a movie version of that game?  I am not going to even try to figure that one out.

If you find castles made by LARPers hot and sexy then IN THE NAME OF THE KING 2: TWO WORLDS is just the movie for you.  Uwe loves filming the front gates of the cardboard castle.  You will see the gates open to let people out.  Sometime you will see the gates open to let people in.  Then there is a shot where the gates close because it is night time.  I was kind of wondering if there was some kind of weird fetish thing going on with the gates.  I guess I am too normal to understand those things. There is no script so Uwe has to fill up the time some how.  I would also like to point out that medieval times Europe or Britain looks a little too much like the vast wilderness of Canada.  I'm just saying.  There is no attention to detail.  The sets and costumes are all fake and too clean looking.  Lundgren's character doesn't even seem all that surprised or concerned that he has just gone back in time with no clear way of going back.  Apparently the king wants to destroy the future.  I still have no idea why.  That would be like if I decided that the year 3012 sucked and I wanted to destroy it.  Why?  I would be dead by then anyway.  What a complete waste of my life researching time travel and spending billions of monies on fraudulent time machines.  I could be more productive spending more time drinking and getting rejected by women.  Again maybe the movie explained why during all the boring talking scenes.  I don't know.  By the time they were explaining everything I was day dreaming about more important things like STAR WARS stuff and other nerd crap.

There was a C.G.I. SyFy Channel Original Movie quality dragon that provided Lundgren with the best line in the movie but that is the only good thing I will say.  I think the title 'TWO WORLDS' is a reference to Uwe Boll's mental state.  We live on Earth world.  Uwe lives on Mars.  That's kind of mean.  I am sure Uwe is a nice guy who really enjoys making movies.  He just isn't nice enough to stop.

Would you think judging by the movie poster that the final epic battle between the evil king and Dolph Lundgren would take place in Dolph's bathroom?  I can't get over that and the fact that the number 2 appears twice side by side in the title.  2+2=4.  Does that mean Uwe Boll accidentally made IN THE NAME OF THE KING part 4 before making parts 3 and 4?  You have to be careful when you put numbers in your titles.  Oh, well.  It could be worse. Remember 2 FAST 2 FURIOUS.


1 comment:

  1. okay, i saw this at the store... and was like what?

    now it's clear to me, to stay clear from this movie... dolph rocks, in most cases... he just gets put into movies there is no escape.